Travel tales from hell

Y’know, for a vacation, this one isn’t turning out so well…

1) It’s usually a good sign when you find yourself sitting next to a woman on the plane is reading erotica. Right up until you notice that Hootchie Mama’s actually a Hootchie Grandmama, well into her 60’s.

2) On my way to a Top-Secret Meeting, I had to take the Metro. Every single time I had to take an escalator up, it was broken. Every time I had to take one down, it worked fine.

3) The main purpose of the trip was to help my friend assemble a working computer out of the parts I’ve been sending him for a few months. Several key ones didn’t work, so we decided to simply use the better ones and upgrade his existing machine. 72 hours and a couple hundred dollars later, he actually did have a much better machine — but we ended up having virtually no time for anything else.

4) It’s a good idea to pack extra underwear on any extended trip. It’s an even better idea to make sure it actually gets into the suitcase, and doesn’t spend several days sitting out on the bed at home.

5) It’s always a good idea to make sure you take your medications with you when you leave. It’s an even better one to bring it back with you.

6) Ditto with your new cell phone’s charger.

7) If you set your VCR to record your favorite shows before you leave, adjust the timing for Daylight Savings Time if it’s going to change between departure and the airing of the first show.

8) If the flight attendant tells you that your aircraft is the newest in the airline’s fleet and barely a week old, she will not be impressed if you sniff deeply and comment about “that new-jet smell.” Nor will that score you extra peanuts.

9) Just because an outstanding Italian restaurant is named The Olive Tree does NOT mean you can make comparisons to The Olive Garden. They’ve heard it before.

10) Just because said restaurant is located next to a Popeye’s Chicken and Biscuits, do not bother telling the cute waitress that it should be renamed “The Olive Oyl.” It will NOT score you points.

11) If you find yourself in such a restaurant and torn between several delightful entrees, go ahead and get the sampler platter (whatever it’s called). Just loosen your belt first before tackling the manicotti, lasagna, and veal parmesan.

12) Do NOT call in to work while on vacation to see how things are going. Especially if you are vulnerable to phrases such as “could you come in either Thursday or Friday? Or both? And there’s a ton of work that needs to be done over the weekend, too…”

13) If you spot a Gangsta/Gangsta Wannabe (late teens/early 20’s, chromish teeth, baseball cap, baggy clothing, numerous tattoos on hands and neck) using his cell phone in flight in direct contravention of FAA regulations, do NOT just glare at him. Either ignore him or report him to the flight crew. Because there is a good chance you will be stuck alongside him at curbside for about half an hour while you both wait for your rides. At least with the post-9/11 security, there will be at least one cop in sight the whole time.

Now to go out and work off some of that glorious food that I’m still lugging around… and maybe I’ll “injure” myself enough to keep the vacation going.


Unclear on the concept
Pardon Our Apprehension


  1. julie April 6, 2005
  2. Just Me April 6, 2005
  3. mesablue April 6, 2005
  4. Angie April 6, 2005
  5. julie April 6, 2005
  6. julie April 6, 2005
  7. VARepublicMan April 6, 2005
  8. julie April 6, 2005
  9. FloridaOyster April 7, 2005
  10. McGehee April 7, 2005