The other day at work, one of my colleagues happened to comment on the Muzak channel — it was tuned to the Schlocky 70’s Station. Unfortunately, he approved of that.
He challenged me to name the Schlockiest 70’s Song I could. I did, and he spoke at the exact same time.
The effect was ruined by our naming different songs. I cited “The Pina Colada Song,” while he endorsed “Afternoon Delight.” He then wanted to debate the issue, but I declined — I thought they were both horrific, and prolonged contemplation of either, let alone both, would end with me driving ballpoint pens through my ears.
Shortly thereafter, just to mock me, “The Pina Colada Song” (yes, I know the proper title is “Escape,” but everyone knows it as “The Pina Colada Song,” or more often, “That goddamned Pina Colada Song”) came over the office speakers. My colleague cursed us.
There may soon be an opening at my workplace. Two, if they figure out that I’m the one that killed him.
But in the meantime, what’s your choice for schlockiest 70’s song? The Pina Colada Song? Afternoon Delight? The Night Chicago Died? Muskrat Love?
Ever see a dog with wings? Linda McCartney.
(You youngsters might not get that one..)
“Here I Am (The One That You Love)” by Air Supply.
Nothing else in the world can inducenear-fatal hypoxia like that crap.
S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y, NIGHT!
S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y, NIGHT!
S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y, NIGHT!
I just remembered the Bay City Rollers….
Also, what is that horrible Bread song that starts out
If that song was the only one left for a man to seduce a woman, the race would almost certainly die out!
DOG AND BUTTERFLY and MUSKRAT LOVE two realy dumb songs and well WHERE AVE ALL THE FLOWERS GONE? is putrid THE NIGHT CHICAGO DIED was about the st valensday masacure can anyone remember THE PARTIDGE FAMILY with their hit I THINK I LOVE YOU
I’m gonna have nightmares!
Clay Jarr, I once saw the lyrics to “I Honestly Love You” in a book store. It was with sheet music for weddings.
‘If we both were born in another place in time, this moment might be ended in a kiss . . .”
Yeah. The perfect wedding song.
langtry,
That awful Bread song you are referring to was titled “If”.
Hands Down – No competition.
Billy Don’t be a Hero by Terry Jack.
I will not argue about this!
I vote for “Tie A Yellow Ribbon”, but I grew up in the 70’s and try to forget as much of its popular music as I can. It truly was the dust bowl of American musical history.
Sundown is a song about a man comin round for his midnight booty call with an old girlfriend….or some kind of “pimp song”. (sorry JT)
“I’m your boogie man, yes I am”
The 70’s music sucked then & now.
Easily the worst:
Don’t Give Up on Us Baby
by David Soul
Star of Starsky and Hutch
The 70’s is a gold mine of awful songs. Olivia Newton John, Barry Manalow, and a host of one-offs pimped the sappy, saccarine ballad into a nightmare genre that languishes in a well-deserved obscurity.
I gotta second “You’re Having My Baby”. It’s a song about (I swear I’m not making this up) how swell it is that the singer’s lover isn’t having an abortion.
Then there’s that one that Lileks was talking about in the Bleat a while back… what was it? “Sometimes when we touch/the honesty’s too much”. Brrr…. <googles> Here it is: Sometimes When We Touch by Dan Hill. Warning: Truely Awful Lyrics on the other side of the link.
No one mentioned everything by The Captain and Tenille????!????? Gag me with a spoon!
Wow- some great stuff here guys. Thanks CMD for Clint Holmes, very good. But Brett, I had forgotten (thankfully) about “Seasons in the Sun” I may have to back off of my backing of “Muskrat Love” as the worst ever.
forgot a few really bad ones:
dont’ go breakin’ my heart – EJ and KKD
precious and few – Climax
gypsys tramps and thieves – she who will not be named.
schlock that rocks:
Lime and Coconut – Harry Nilsson
Midnight at the Oasis (yes, it rocks)
on a related note: saw a single panel cartoon in a magazine once. it had a picture of a man sitting at a piano in a bar, a tip jar on the piano with a note that said:
“Requests: $1.00 Feelings: $10.00”
now THAT’S speaking truth to power!
Kim Carnes – Betty Davis Eyes – Aaaaaaaaaaaagh!!!!
metrognome57, Jay mentioned ‘Muskrat Love’ in the main post for Captain and Tenille.
How ’bout
The Joker – Steve Miller
Since these are Turkey’s its an appropriate contest for Thanksgiving.
not main stream but This is the worst
Socratease and Dr. B. are absolutely right: “Tie a Yellow Ribbon”. I’m not sure how I could possibly have forgotten that one, unless I had it blanked out through hynosis therapy (which means that . . . It’s. Back. Now.) Not only a terrible song, but undoubtedly the inspiration for tying yellow ribbons on trees, telephone poles, fence posts, etc. to mark the absence of loved ones, e.g., troops serving overseas (the troops deserve better than to have their sacrifice commemorated by an instant tradition based on imagery from one of the hinkiest songs in history). Who can forget the sappy lyrics and the staccato background on electric piano? I hope, someday, I will be able to – again.
Just thought of another horrid 70’s classic:
“Do Ya Think I’m Sexy”
But ya gotta give those seventies folks credit for their lack of inhibitions…
Thank God I had forgotten ” Seasons in the sun”, but you guys are right…sickening.
I hate to admit this but I liked at the time some America songs , but always hated their most popular–“A horse with no name” I would change stations immediately.Maybe it was my cheap,tinny, Graco speakers,and my eight- trac…. Ah, good old times
You think that people would have had enough of Silly Love Songs.
I look around me and I seeeee it isn’t so.
Some people want to build the world with Silly Love Songs.
And what’s wrong with that?
I want to know.
So here I go….again.
ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
Jerry,
That was WAY too graphic! Now that shit’s gonna be on the back of my mind all night. Bleech!
I know, I nominated it. But I really didn’t need to relive the words!!!
Oh, but to those of you who are dissing 70’s music in general: YOU”RE WRONG! Why? BECAUSE I SAID SO!
Really, there was some great stuff you’ve either forgotten about, or you relegated it to the 60’s or pushed it to the 80’s.
To those who dis the 70’s, consider some of these albums/bands:
Sticky Fingers and Exile on Main Steet (Rolling Stones)
Who’s Next (The Who)
Cosmo’s Factory (Creedence Clearwater)
Fun House (The Stooges)
More than half of Led Zep’s work
Virtually all of Black Sabbath
David Fucking Bowie
The Band
New York Dolls
Montrose
Bob Marley
Derek and the Dominos
The James Gang
ZZ Top
Deep Purple
Everything worthwhile from Aerosmith
The Sex Pistols
The Ramones
The Clash
Most of Pink Floyd
Grand Funk Railroad
The Band
Rush
Elton John
Edgar Winter
Johnny Winter
Ted Nugent’s good stuff
Queen’s best years
Mott the Hoople
Foghat
BTO (yes, I really said that. I just listened to some old vinyl and they were MUCH deeper than I remembered)
Kiss
Siouxie and the Banshees
Pat Benatar
Don’t forget all the pre-disco funk bands!
Oh! Alice Cooper!!!!!!!!!
Don’t make me refer to my iTunes library, or you’ll be sorry.
Hey, Denny, you’ll get no argument from me. My favorite music is swing and late ’40’s R&B. The least thing ever done by Count Basie or Erskine Hawkins or Amos Milburn is better than the best thing ever done by anybody on your list. But as they say, de gustibus non est disputandam, or something like that.
D. Carter:
I’m a part-time blues guitarist, and my favorite music of all time is probably the blues from the 20’s through the late 50’s with good stuff also coming from the 60’s, 70’s, 80’s and 90’s. I also appreciate the big band stuff, and guys like Charlie Christian and Django Reinhardt are also heros. T-Bone Walker is my absolute favorite.
BUT! I also love rock from its inception to the present. The 70’s are currently being overlooked, but they’ll be appreciated again. I’m in the process of replacing vinyl from my elementary school and Jr. High days, and I’m remembering how great much of it really was. For those of you into contemporary music, the 70’s DID NOT SUCK! (at least not completely)
I was gonna mention that horrible song supposedly about being an, ahem, Native American, [complete with mention of tom-toms]but after D Carter’s response to Denny Cranes, I figured ’nuff said. But when it comes to all time embarrassing schlock, the winner comes a decade or so later: the first thing to enter my mind was “we are the world” because, as far as I can tell, the artists were actually serious about their message, where all the others mentioned above had at least a little tongue in cheek [if not something else somewhere else].
oooo Denny responded before I posted!
I enjoyed the 70’s in the 70’s, and the music that reflected blues sits higher than the rest, but I can’t get really excited about most of that pop, or any pop since then. Shoot, I’d rather listen to Gilbert and Sullivan’s worst than Tommy.
The Nice, early Cream and early Chicago strike me as memorable stuff; Elton John, ELP and just about anything the Stones did after Satisfaction as truly forgetable or embarrassing, unless you like to spend your time in an altered state of awareness.
Denny,
No arguments with your list of good music, but I think maybe you missed the theme of this post. Its not about 70’s music in general. Its about specific sucky songs.
I went back and re-read every comment here (painful though it was), and I only saw one single person who dissed 70’s music in general.
I LOVE a lot of music from the 70’s. I think much of it is actually the best of all time. But I have to admit, some of it sucked big time. I’m sure you would agree on a few of the dogs mentioned here.
jmaster,
No, I didn’t miss the point of the post. But there were more than one person who lamented the 70’s in its entirety (look again).
I, too, used to dis the 70’s because I forgot. I would venture that many people who are still trying to forget 70’s music have to admit they like more than three or four or five of the items I listed.
But to get back to the original point, I still stand behind Silly Love Songs as one of the worst ever.
Denny,
OK, I went back and re-read them all again (I really need to get a life).
I’ll grant you two more comments that COULD be considered as dissing all 70’s music, but only if you take a negative interpretation.
But I completely disagree with your opinion of “Silly Love Songs”. I think that song is completely tongue in cheek, and quite possibly a direct slam at John and Yoko.
And even if its not, how can you argue with the lyrics:
“You’d think that people would have had enough of silly love songs
I look around me and I see that isn’t true
What’s wrong with that?”
I mean, really, what’s wrong with that?
I will agree that the part with Paul and Linda exchanging “I love yous” is lame. But I suspect that could also be a direct slam at John and Yoko.
Then again, maybe I am reading too much into the song.…
Schlock is “Muhammad Ali/Black Superman” by Johnny Wakelin and the Kinshasha Band.
The song lends itself perfectly to Saddam’s Cousin: “Chemical Ali“
jmaster,
You bring up a good point about John and Yoko, and I never considered that. In fact, I’ve never analyzed the lyrics at all–just took them, and that incipid melody, at face value. I lived with my little sister playing it on the piano ad nauseum and it scarred me for life.
I would have nominated Muskrat Love if Jay didn’t mention it first.
I have to agree that some of the worst Top 40 songs of all time came from the 70’s. And, I am really thankful that I’ve pushed them so deep into my subconscious that I can’t even recall what they were.
But, I can’t let those turds destroy the memory of what was really a pretty good musical decade.
And, lets compare the 70’s with the last two or three years! In my house I have daughters and step daughters who are 9, 11, 13, and one will be 16 this week. They’re listening mostly to old stuff, with only one or two albums from the past 3 years. That’s pretty sad, in my opinion–a sad state for music.
Meri Wilson – Telephone man
I went to my apartment on a Monday at one
A-singin’ do lolly, lolly shicky bum, shicky bum
Started movin’ in it on a Tuesday at two
A-singin’ do lolly, lolly shicky do, shicky do
Wednesday at three I called the phone company, singin’:
“Hey baby, put a phone in for me”
Thursday at four he came a-knockin’ at my door, singin’:
“Hey, baby, I’m your telephone man
You just show me where you want it and I’ll put it where I can
I can put it in the bedroom, I can put it in the hall
I can put it in the bathroom, I can hang it on the wall
You can have it with a buzz, you can have it with a ring
And if you really want it you can have a ding-a-ling
Because-a hey baby, I’m your telephone man”
Can you believe that? And then he says:
“Now when other fellas call ya tell ’em how it all began”
Well…can you imagine?
My heart began a-thumpin’ and my mind began to fly
And I knew I wasn’t dealin’ with no ordinary guy
So while he was a-talking I was thinkin’ up my plan
Then my fingers did the walkin’ on the telephone man
Singin’ hey lolly, lolly
Hey lolly, lolly
Hey lolly, lolly
Get it any way you can
Right? Ha ha ha, so…
I got it in the bedroom, and I got it in the hall
And I got it in the bathroom, and he hung it on the wall
I got it with a buzz, and I got it with a ring
And when he told me what my number was I got a ding-a-ling
A-singin’ hey lolly, lolly
Hey lolly, lolly
Hey lolly, lolly
Just-a doin’ my thing
Ha, ha…I’ve never done anything like this before!
The WORST song ever produced in the 70’s has got to be “Midnight at the Oasis.” Well, that and Steve Millers’ “Take the money and run”. I mean come on, The word Texas does NOT rhyme with “Facts is”.
Was I the only person into blues and blues&rock&roll in the seventies? I barely recognize any of these titles beyond hearing them in various elevators, although “Midnight at the Oasis” was supposedly “attractive” to some during that time and I just thought it was trash on the radio otherwise.
The Captain and Tenille were appealing (can’t explain why) to a lot of children at the height of their popularity…kids would perk up in the car at the start of “Do That To Me One More Time” and what I think it was was the soothing sound of Tenille’s voice. Thus, they had family appeal in comparison with the wretched Soapiness otherwise of all the rest. I always perceived DAWN as suspect and wasn’t at all surprised when the guy was busted for cocaine (while posing as Mr. Clean). Just saying, too toothy, too-too, just knew there was phoniness there. Thus, their ‘music’ was irritating to my ear (still is).
I happened to like “The Muskrat (Love) Song” (whatever it was called) but the “Yummy, Yummy…Love in my Tommy” and the “turn around, bright eyes” things were just too much for me. I mean, someone was getting a huge laugh out of those singles, a very well paid one.
Ha, “love in my TUMMY…”
Can’t believe my horrible typo, previous.
I was thrilled to see my vote for all time schlockiest 70’s song mentioned in the second of 88 comments!
Let me cast another vote for:
TORN BETWEEN TWO LOVERS by MARY MACGREGOR
I can’t believe nobody here has mentioned Gilbert O’Sullivan’s “Alone Again (Naturally)”:
“Oh in a little while from now
if I’m not feeling anyless sour
I promise myself to treat myself
and visit a nearby tower
and climbing to the top
will throw myself off
in an effort to make it clear
to whoever what it’s like when you’re shattered
left standing in the lurch at a church…” (gag)
I refuse to read any comments on this blog. I’m still trying to get the songs from the original post out of my head. 😛
The Spong Monkey’s are guaranteed to get these songs out of your head.
http://www.rathergood.com/moon_song/
For those of you still thinking that the 70s music was not all that bad, let me submit to you the contents of a mix tape that I created some 15-20 years ago. I called it “God-Awful Songs”:
Ring My Bell – Anita Ward (#1 – 1979)
That’s Rock ‘n’ Roll – Shaun Cassidy (#3 – 1977)
Morning Side of the Mountain – Donny & Marie Osmond (#8 – 1975)
Yo-Yo – The Osmonds (#3 – 1971)
A Daisy a Day – Jud Strunk (#14 – 1973)
Speak to the Sky – Rick Springfield (#14 – 1972)
Daddy Don’t You Walk So Fast – Wayne Newton (#4 – 1972)
Makin’ It – David Naughton (#5 – 1979)
I Do, I Do, I Do, I Do, I Do – ABBA (#15 – 1976)
Leave Me Alone (Ruby Red Dress) – Helen Reddy (#3 – 1973)
You and Me Against the World – Helen Reddy (#9 – 1974)
Kung Fu Fighting – Carl Douglas (#1 – 1974)
Save Your Kisses For Me – Brotherhood of Man (#27 – 1976)
Paloma Blanca – George Baker Selection (#26 – 1976)
Chevy Van – Sammy Johns (#5 – 1975)
Run Joey Run – David Geddes (#4 – 1975)
Rocky – Austin Roberts (#9 – 1975)
Get Dancin’ – Disco Tex & the Sex-O-Lettes (#10 – 1975)
He’s the Greatest Dancer – Sister Sledge (#9 – 1979)
Sylvia’s Mother – Dr. Hook & the Medicine Show (#5 – 1972)
Hey!
Sylvia’s Mother wasn’t that bad, and the rest of the album was pretty damned good!
Denny: T-Bone Walker! NOW you’re talkin’!! Don’t know if you’re familiar with Memphis Jimmy, but there’s a tune recorded by him and a small group in 1947 called “Jimmy’s Jump” which features some guitar work that could have fit right into the early rock ‘n roll period (not to mention some incredibly propulsive boogie woogie piano, which is my absolute favorite type of music).
I agree that the 70’s weren’t a total washout; however, a lot of the good stuff took a back seat to the inferior (Steve Miller’s “Come On Into My Kitchen” is a great blues piece, but I don’t believe it ever got air time).
Denny Crane’s point is well-taken, there was some good music during the 70’s. But a lot of it was from bands started in the 60’s (Rolling Stones, Jethro Tull), or bands that wouldn’t become popular until the 80’s or 90’s (Aerosmith, Queen), or “progressive” bands that didn’t give a damn about being popular (Yes, Emerson Lake & Palmer). The 70’s also had the brass rock bands (Chicago, Tower Of Power, Blood Sweat & Tears, Chase), a unique genre I wish would come back. But the stuff that made the play lists of most of the broadcast stations was generally pretty awful.
Too bad Maria Muldar got tarred with the fluff piece “Midnight at the Oasis”, she was a halfway-decent blues singer. I still remember a live recording of her singing “Don’t You Feel My Leg.”
stairway to heaven sucks?
steve miller band sucks?
I find it truly annoying when people blather on about bands or songs that suck. If it’s so bad than why even talk about it? Just don’t listen to the songs. I especially loved how someone made a whole mixed tape out of “horrific” songs. Why? So you can listen to songs that you “supposedly” think are awful? DOES THAT MAKE ANY SENSE?
Denny:
A nice list of some really good people, but can you say that Mott the Hoople and the New York Dolls are truly representative of the 70’s? I almost got canned at the University Radio station for playing sex pistols in 1979. Unfortunately, I’m afraid Tie a Yellow Ribbon, Torn Between Two Lovers and Seasons in the Sun are a little more indicative.
Run Joey Run.
Or Heaven on the Seventh Floor.
I used to have all of the K-tel *albums* of these!
I liked Seasons in the Sun. My first favorite song- I was about 8 years old. The flip side by the way, was far worse. It was called “Put the bone in” and the subject was that the singer was asking the butcher to put the bone in her grocery bag for her poor little doggie.
How about Kung-fu fightin? HA!
Or Knock three times on the ceiling if you want me.
If you have to look this stuff up on the internet then you obviously were not alive in the 70s.