The other day at work, one of my colleagues happened to comment on the Muzak channel — it was tuned to the Schlocky 70’s Station. Unfortunately, he approved of that.
He challenged me to name the Schlockiest 70’s Song I could. I did, and he spoke at the exact same time.
The effect was ruined by our naming different songs. I cited “The Pina Colada Song,” while he endorsed “Afternoon Delight.” He then wanted to debate the issue, but I declined — I thought they were both horrific, and prolonged contemplation of either, let alone both, would end with me driving ballpoint pens through my ears.
Shortly thereafter, just to mock me, “The Pina Colada Song” (yes, I know the proper title is “Escape,” but everyone knows it as “The Pina Colada Song,” or more often, “That goddamned Pina Colada Song”) came over the office speakers. My colleague cursed us.
There may soon be an opening at my workplace. Two, if they figure out that I’m the one that killed him.
But in the meantime, what’s your choice for schlockiest 70’s song? The Pina Colada Song? Afternoon Delight? The Night Chicago Died? Muskrat Love?
What about “She’s Having My Baby,” by Paul Anka?
Yuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.
you’re not digging deep enough. these three are infinately schlockier than either of your suggestions.
brown eyes blue (blew?)
you light up my life.
torn between two lovers
in the future, research your topic before offering lame answers
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Loving You – Minnie Ripperton, except when it was played during the one football commercial.
I don’t think the Night Chicago Died is quite in the same category as the others.
For some reason I couldn’t place Escape, until I googled it, but leave it on the list
lovin’ you is easy ’cause you’re beautiful… la la la la laaaa… la la la la laaaa
“Midnight at the Oasis.” Where do I pick up my prize?
How ’bout “Feelings”. I once saw a whole episode of the Gong Show where every contestant sang or tried to sing this song.
You and your coworker hit on the real problem-it is hard to name just one.
I think Afternoon Delight edges the Pina Colada song, but only slightly.
I would also have to add MacArthur Park (um does anyone think writing a song about leaving a cake in the rain is really good song material?).
Oh, and if Atlantis was written in the 70’s (although I think Donovan was more 60’s than 70’s, but can’t remember for certain) that one should make the list-I think you have to be stoned to like that one.
And can we just include the whole Disco genre?
Phil-I-Del-Phia FREEDOM! Or any of Sir Elton’s songs where he’s claiming to be a streetwise juvie delinquent who rumbles with switchblades.
Well, I have a confession goddess, I actually like Midnight At The Oasis.
What about “Billy, Don’t Be a Hero”? Doesn’t just the mention of this “song” make you want to go back in time and slap the DJ who first played this monstrosity? Oh, the humanity!
Seasons in the Sun – Terry Jacks
The problem with a contest such as this is that now, for the rest of the day, one of these songs will be running through my head. UUUUUUUGGHHHHH! MAKE IT STOP.
Why does everyone hate on the Starland Vocal Band so hard? “Afternoon Delight” was pop fluff but it didn’t pretend to be any more than it was.
And let me tell you something – SVB had real talent. Their lead singer tore the head of the song “Maybe” and their version of “Why Do Fools Fall In Love” kicked the butt of the Diana Ross version.
I, too, must confess I like “Midnight at the Oasis,” as well as “Afternoon Delight” (the dirtiest clean song–or is that cleanest dirty song?–I’ve ever heard.
My vote for just one (and not to flog a dead horse, but it’s definitely impossible to pick just one) would be “MacArthur Park”…any version of that crappy song.
Though not a 70’s song, the one that if I hear in the morning that will stick with me for a week, is 1981’s hit by Joe Scarbury, the Greatest American Hero.. gawd, its playing in my head just by thinking about it.. arrggh.
70’s songs, anything by the BeeGees… or Peaches & Herb’s ’79 hit Reunited.
Do you know the way to San Jose…Dionne Warwick. Bralffff.
“She ran calling Wiiiild Fire…
“She ran calling Wiiiild Fire…
Puppy Love by Donnie Osmond. It still nearly makes me puke when I hear it.
WARNING! Projectile vomiting alert.
Yum-mee yum-mee yum-mee
I’ve got love in my tum-mee
and
Ogod. Somebody hold my hair back.
Jim Armstrong up there picked the one I was thinking of: “Billy, Don’t Be a Hero”. Of course, “Afternoon Delight” is just about equally revolting. The song that really makes me want to reach for a revolver is “Dream Weaver”, but I can’t remember if that’s from the 70’s, or if it’s 70’s-style residual schlock that spilled over into the 80’s. “Midnight at the Oasis” is more of a soft jazz tune than a commercial pop ballad, and I’m willing to cut Maria Muldaur some slack because of her rousing “I’m a Woman” shouter. Oh, and one more thing: Cybrludite makes an excellent point about Elton John; I don’t know if “Benny and the Jets” was recorded in the 70’s or not, but it’s one of those songs that makes me want to rip the radio out of the dash and toss it out the window – shabby technique, plodding melody, and the absurd vocal posturing (who does the guy think he is, Joe Turner?).
Someone left the cake out in the rain
I don’t think that I can take it
‘Cause it took so long to bake it
And I’ll never have that recipe agaiiiiiiin
(key change)AGAIIIIIIINNNNN
Do I win?
HEART-ACHE BY BONNIE TYLER.
“Heaven on the Seventh Floor” by some group whose name I have mercifully forgotten, and wish it to remain that way.
One word: Ugh.
I really can’t believe that nobody has mentioned the ultimate 70s song.
“Love Will Keep Us Together.”
Captain and Tennille. Co-written by Neil Sedaka, who called it “the most perfect pop song.”
Won the Grammy in 1975. Sold a million or so copies.
Whenever “Lovin’ You” was on, there was one point in the song where all the neighborhood dogs started barking. And sometimes a window would break.
What was up with that, anyway?
“She ran calling Wiiiild Fire…”
AAAUUUUGGGGHHHHH!!!
And the thing is, years later I have forgiven Michael Martin Murphey because now he does cowboy songs.
“Timothy”, a charming song about a mining accident and cannibalism.
Too bad “Total Eclipse of the Heart” was in the early 80s or it would be on the list.
“Turn around, bright eyes (Every now and then…..)”
Years ago the Circle Jerks did a “song” called “Golden Shower of Hits” where they strung – in true punk rock style – a montage of crappy song bits together. Many of the songs suggested in this thread are among them: “D-I-V-O-R-C-E”, “Close to you” among them too.
I agree with McGehee — Lovin You was stomach-turning (in fact, everyt hing Olivia Newton-John did was).
Afternoon Delight was pretty sick too, but you can’t argue with the truth of the message.
And I liked Midnight too!
I don’t know if schloky is the right term or not, but CONVOY was pretty terrible.Disco Duck was just as bad.
Of course, there’s the subcategory of “good schlock” versus “bad schlock.” Bad schlock is just bad, like Jim Stafford’s Spiders and Snakes (‘and that ain’t what it takes to love me. . .oooh-ooh!”) or Melanie’s Brand New Key. Good schlock is stuff you sing along with lustily at the top of your lungs, even though you know the song is awful – like Venus by Shocking Blue, or the granddaddy of them all, Blue Swede’s Hooked on a Feelin’.
Come on, you know the immortal words to this timeless classic – “OOGA CHAKA, OOGA-OOGA-OOGA CHAKA, OOGA-OOGA-OOGA-CHAKA. . .”
Sundown – was just creepy. “Sundown you better take if I find you been creepin round my back stair” What the hell did THAT mean???
Somebodys Knockin – by the blind C&W chick
You can eat crackers in my Bed – Barbara Mandrell. BARF!!!!!!! I’m assuming that crackers was not the name of her ‘cat’
Anything by Al Stewart. Start with “Time Passages” and go from there.
Oh come on! The Pina Colada Song (Escape) is perhaps the best song ever š It’s my freakin’ theme song š
LOL goddessoftheclassroom – Midnight At the Oasis – yup with timeless lines like “Send your camel to bed” that’s gotta be the shlockiest. š
Many “good” candidates, but I’m surprised no one remembered the two most insipid of all- Tie a Yellow Ribbon and Rain Drops Keep Fallin on My Head. And then there is the (dis)honorable mention for worst shameless erzatz ripoff of the R and B style, Rockin Pneumonia and Boogie Woogie Blues. OK, now that all that stuff is playing on my mental tape recorder, will someone, anyone, please, shoot me now?
Geez, I kinda like The Night Chicago Died.
Iāve got to vote for āDisco Duckā too.
The song is bad enough on its own merits. But it was truly the schlock gift that kept on giving us schlock.
That song launched Rick Dees, and weāve had to suffer through his other schlock for about 30 years now.
Disco songs shouldn’t count. Clearly the worst song of all time is “Muskrat Love”; especially the keyboard “solo” of the little rats giggling. Everyone on this thread has mentioned some really fantastic work (no one mentioned “Playground in my Mind” by Clint ?? “My name is Michael, I’ve got a ….)
But “muskrat Suzy and Sam”, C’mon!
Disco songs shouldn’t count. Clearly the worst song of all time is “Muskrat Love”; especially the keyboard “solo” of the little rats giggling. Everyone on this thread has mentioned some really fantastic work (no one mentioned “Playground in my Mind” by Clint ?? “My name is Michael, I’ve got a ….)
But “muskrat Suzy and Sam”, C’mon!
Top 5 Worst 70s songs (no particular order):
“Afternoon Delight”
“Reunited”
“You Light Up My Life”
“I Can’t Smile Without You”
and my personal, all-time WTF-is-this-song-about?:
“Stairway to Heaven”
I’m sure that’ll brand me as being a tasteless bastard, but I can’t stand that song. Ugh!
Best Songs:
“London Calling”
“Rock ‘n Roll High School”
“Once in a Lifetime”
“God Save The Queen”
“Train in Vain”
Yes, two Clash songs.
Thanks for this thread. Now I’m going to have this running through my head all afternoon:
Oo, I hear laughter in the rain
Walking hand in hand with the one I love
Oo, how I love the rainy days
And the happy way I feel inside
Oh, if only Neil Sedaka would have been struck dumb before that song was recorded. The world would be a much better place.
Lovin You was stomach-turning (in fact, everyt hing Olivia Newton-John did was)
Oblivia Neutron-Bomb didn’t do “Lovin’ You,” but other than that I can’t argue…
Great. Now you’ve got me thinking of the other Olivia Newton-whatever song:
But there you are with yours
And here I am with mine
So I guess we’ll just be leaving it at this
I love you
I honestly love you
I honestly love you
May God mercifully slay me now. Please.
Of what’s been suggested here, the only song that would cause me to leap (in dramatic Six-Million Dollar Man-style slow-motion) across the room to change the radio channel as though there were a falling glass vial of deadly nerve toxin about to crash onto a hard wood floor in the presence of my family *and* the heads of state of every nation in the UN Security Council is Seasons in the Sun by Terry Jacks (but maybe that’s just me…)
Silly Love Songs (Paul McCartney)
Does “Kung Fu Fighting” count as schlock, or is it just gawd-awful?
Playground in My Mind was Clint Holmes, eno. But hell, since we’ve already trashed Neil Sedaka and Elton John and faux toughness, I present for your consideration. . .
Bad Blood! (“Bad [Ba-a-d] Blood [Blo-o-od] / The bitch is in her smile / The lie is on her lips / Such an evil child.”
“Billy, Don’t he a hero” is a pretty good candidate, “Run Joey Run” is a pretty good candidate (even had a simulated angelic choir). But, based on my painful experiences, I would have to throw in with the others that “Seasons in the Sun” by Terry Jacks is the worst.
Hey, Denny–when did Paul McCartney write Silly Love Songs?
All his life (ba-dum-DUM!)
It’s true – the mind forgets pain. Thanks for bringing all this up.
Where DID I put that bottle of pink shit, anyway?
Here’s one non-qualifier I completely forgot about – Walt Disney’s “It’s a small world after all”. That got stuck in my brain for about three days once. May the waves of nausea be upon you.