Comedy Break: Customs

In order to add a little culture to this site, Wizbang! Alien Theater presents . . .


I just don’t understand some Earth customs.

For example, once I saw a long, black car parked outside a church building. I decided to go inside to see what kind of ritual was taking place.

Once inside, I saw a group of people listening to a minister giving a speech about someone. I noticed that many of the people were wearing all-black outfits. Flowers were scattered everywhere.

I thought I knew what was going on, and so I began looking forward to eating cake.

Suddenly, I was caught off-guard when the minister ended his speech with the words, “May he rest in peace.”

Rest in peace? How can any groom rest in peace after his wedding? I decided to find out.

I asked the minister, “How is it possible for a groom to rest in peace after his wedding?”

“The minister looked at me like this:

Then he said, “Sir, this is a funeral, not a wedding.”

 “What’s the difference?” I asked.

 “The difference,” said the minister, ” is that when a man dies, his rest begins. When a man gets married, his rest ends.”

 “Oh,” I said, “Does this mean that there will be no cake?”

Again the minister looked at me like this:

 “What planet did you say you were from?” he asked.

 “Melmac,” I replied, “Why do you ask?”

 That incident was my introduction to Earth customs.

 Some Earth customs remind me of Melmacian customs, such as the marriage custom of the groom going in front of the bride.

 One Earth wedding that I attended was absolutely cellular:

The vows were exchanged by text messaging – another Melmacian custom.

In a Melmacian wedding, it isn’t unusual for the bride to be ugly. At one Earth wedding, the bride was an absolute dog:

During a Melmacian wedding, it is acceptable for guests to monkey around a little. At one Earth wedding, the bride and groom were the ones who monkeyed around:

During a Melmacian wedding, the bride is usually finicky. At one Earth wedding, the bride was extremely finicky:

I must admit that my own wedding was less than perfect. For example, one of my bride’s relatives served as the photographer. When the photos were
developed, I discovered that my head was cut off in every photo.***

My wedding lasted much longer than I expected. During the ceremony, the minister made the customary statement, “If there be anyone here who has an objection to this marriage, let him speak now.” Right then members of my bride’s family started a filibuster.

Then there was the incident that set off the riot. It happened at the end of the ceremony. The minister made the customary statement: “Now you may kiss the bride.” Before I could make my move, my wife was in a lip-lock with my best man. Behind him were all the other men, standing in a line.

If you are thinking that I started the riot, then you are wrong. The minister started it by cutting in line.

Eventually, the police showed up in riot gear (which is another Melmacian wedding custom). By then my bride had already left without telling me where she was going. The next time that I had contact with her was when she sent me a post card. On the back of it she had written, “Having a wonderful honeymoon.”

If you are wondering why my wife married me in the first place, then the answer is simple. Marrying me was the penance that her confessor assigned to her.

Sadly, my wife perished from cancer-related medical problems.***

Being that I am now hiding residing on Earth, I decided to learn more about marriage on Earth.  So, I sought the counsel of some of Earth’s greatest sages. Here are some of the things that they said about marriage:

“Getting married for sex is like buying a 747 for the free peanuts.” – Jeff Foxworthy

 “I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” -Groucho Marx

 “My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.” – Rodney Dangerfield

 “Getting married is a lot like getting into a tub of hot water. After you get used to it, it ain’t so hot.” – Minnie Pearl

 “They say love is blind…and marriage is an institution. Well, I’m not ready for an institution for the blind just yet.” -Mae West

 “A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.” -Zsa Zsa Gabor

 “I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do” is the longest sentence? ” – George Carlin

 “I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” – Rita Rudner

 “Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house.” – George Burns

 “My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food….. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.” – Henny Youngman

 “A man doesn’t know what happiness is until he’s married. By then it’s too late.”- Frank Sinatra

 “Marriage is nature’s way of keeping us from fighting with strangers.” – Alan King

 “The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing—and then marry him.” – Cher

 “I never mind my wife having the last word. In fact, I’m delighted when she gets to it.” – Walter Matthau

 “My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never. ” – Jack Benny

***This part of the story is true.

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