Won’t somebody please think of the vaginas!?!

Ever since puberty I’ve spent what is probably an unhealthy amount of time thinking about vaginas.  At times, thinking about vaginas consumed my every waking moment.  I’m never gotten around to curing cancer or walking on the moon or finishing that first great novel in part because vaginas have always been on my brain.

Yet enthralled and enthusiastic as I may be about vaginas, compared to what is apparently a sizable majority of today’s Democrat Party I am not nearly enthralled and enthusiastic enough.

Bring on the dancing vaginas.  Apparently Code Pink has taken to heart the Larry Flynt Dictionary definition of woman – a life support system for a vagina.  A woman is a vagina, a vagina is a woman.  Normally this would be the kind of single issue voter I could get behind IYKWIMAITYD.  Normally.  But the recent interest in vaginas gushing forth from Democrats has little to do with vaginas in and of themselves and everything to do with full cradle-to-grave taxpayer subsidization of vaginas.  Apparently.

First out of the gate is Code Pink, whose strategy is a two pronged pincer move of acquiescence to tin horn dictators engaged in wholesale slaughter of their countrymen (Meh, I got no problem with that.  Piss on Syria.) and keeping Republicans’ hands off their vaginas by entrusting all care and maintenance of their vaginas to the United States Government.  Zeroing in on the concerns of swing voters like a laser the Code Pink crowd went down to the Republican National Convention in Tampa festooned as giant, walking, talking vaginas.  No word yet on pink parody “Don’t spread on me” Gadsden-style flags.  Be thankful I don’t have mad photoshop skills and settled for this instead.

I guess Code Pink’s message is they don”t deserve liberty nor security for their vaginas?  Not to sound all misogynistic or anything but I believe it’s the natural order that any left-leaning organization founded and staffed entirely by women regardless of its original intent will soon evolve to advocate vaginas and cat blogs and the unfairness of equal numbers of men’s and women’s toilets in public venues causing exorbitantly long wait times to use the ladies room.  You know, if you’d all wear short skirts and no drawers when you go out in public like I’m always saying that line would move a lot faster.

Well played, God, well played. Sweat pants it is…

But it’s not just walking, taking vaginas protesting at the RNC.  Vaginas will be front and center at the Democrat National Convention next week as well.  There will even be an appearance by the Democrats’ favorite, most sympathetic, wealthy panhandler Sandra Fluke.  It’s a time tested truism of advertising that vagina sells.  So when the economy’s growing at a less than 1% annual rate and unemployment is at historically sustained highs and consumer confidence is in the tank and your signature health care bill chops billions form Medicare you go all vagina all the time.

Sandra Fluke.  I’m glad her bravery and courage in requesting no-cost birth control and access to abortions is being rewarded with a speaking spot at the convention.  I assume it will come off mostly like Lonnie Don McGeddin in this sadly unembeddable scene from The Jerk asking Navin for $1,500 to fix the leather seats in his airplane.

For God’s sake get some good saddle soap.  Now just get out of here!

I’ve tried that saddle soap, sir, and it, it don’t work.  I’ve tried the saddle soap, I’ve tried that carnuba polish, I’ve tired that linseed oil, I’ve tried that baby oil.  I’ve put everything on there and that don’t work.  Hell, I had my friends over the other day and they saw the WalMart bag from when I went to get my monthly birth control prescription filled for four dollars and I had to tell them my housekeeper brought it over.  That’s the stuff I’m talking about.

Oh my God, a WalMart bag!

I gotta tell you right out, life ain’t worth livin’!  If I don’t get that fifteen hundred dollars I’m really ascared of what I might do to myself.

Yeah, that’s really going to resonate with voters.  But for some reason the GOP calls itself the stupid party.  Well if the party can’t find a way to win the White House in 2012 they will have truly earned that moniker.  Obama’s entire election strategy was cribbed from an Arnold Schwarzenegger film.

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