In accordance with Muslim tradition

Frank Fleming at PajamasMedia:

I think in these situations, the most important thing to us is showing religious respect. We didn’t like how Osama was responsible for murdering thousands of innocent men, women, and children, but that was just one aspect of the man. Another aspect was that he was a Muslim — and that was a good part of him that we greatly respect. Because Islam is a great religion. Really great. Personally, I don’t practice it, but others do, and they really seem to like it. So, while we didn’t like the terrorist side of Osama, I think everyone understands that we still need to celebrate the Muslim side of him and give it the respect it deserves.

So that’s why everyone involved was very careful to handle his dead body in accordance with Islamic tradition… as best they could. I mean, there were a few minor bumps along the way, like when the body kinda sorta got dragged off by wild dogs. That happens. No one is perfect, not even the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH)). And you have to understand that dogs are just animals, and a big difference between animals and people is the ability to show respect for Islamic traditions. Anyway, those dogs were chased immediately, the body was retrieved, and the canines involved were given a stern talking to.

Unfortunately, while everyone was preoccupied with yelling “Bad dog!” a cat jumped up on the body. And if you’ve ever owned a cat, you know they’re mischievous little creatures. That’s part of their charm. Anyway, the cat ate one of his eyeballs. So, not great there on respecting the body according to Islamic tradition, but accidents happen. And while everyone was trying to get the eyeball back, a raccoon started chewing on the body — which is really weird, because they’re not even indigenous to the region. But the raccoon was chased off in accordance with Islamic tradition. Well, I mean, the Qur’an doesn’t specifically mention chasing off animals trying to chew on a dead body, but it’s heavily implied that you should.

So, at this point, I wouldn’t say the body had been disrespected, but it obviously was not an auspicious start. Like if there were an Olympic event for treating a dead body in accordance with Islamic tradition, the U.S. would probably have been out of the running for the gold at that point. And then we probably could forget about the silver when a point was deducted for letting the body roll down a hill (I’m assuming an Olympic event for treating a dead body in accordance with Islamic tradition would be scored similarly to gymnastics).

Still, everyone was psyched to recover from those mishaps and rally for the bronze (I’m speaking metaphorically; there aren’t actually medals for this sort of thing). The body got to the ship without further mishap, and then the ship went out to sea for a nice, respectful-to-Islam burial. Can you think of anything more respectful than a water burial? You can’t; I mean, it’s out there in nature with all the water… very nice. And the body was wrapped in a clean white sheet — again, really respectful. Someone could have said, “Hey, since we’re just going to throw it in the ocean, let’s go ahead and use a dirty sheet.” But we used a clean sheet, because respect for Osama’s religion was that important. And after Osama was nicely wrapped up, he was chucked into the sea with a hearty shout of, “Yay, Allah!” in accordance with Islamic tradition. And then a jig was danced in accordance with Irish tradition.

Still, I know some of you are concerned about when the Navy SEALs raided Osama’s compound, whether he was then shot in the face in accordance with Islamic tradition. Well, don’t worry; he absolutely was. The very last thing anyone wanted was for Osama to think while he was being killed, “They’re doing this to me because I’m Muslim!” Because, again, that would definitely not be true. So great care was taken, and he was shot in the face in a religiously respectful way.

For instance, none of the Navy SEALs in the raid were eating a pork sandwich as they did it. And none of them had on them any depictions of Muhammad (PBUH). Also, the raid was done between prayer times — not during! And when Osama was shot in the face, he was facing westward. I’m not sure that’s actually religiously important, but if it is, then, yes, he was doing that. And when he was shot, the traditional Muslim expression of “Allahu Akbar!” was shouted — except it was an English translation, so it was something like, “Thank you, Jesus!”

Of course, not everyone interprets the Qur’an the same way, so Osama was also shot in accordance with a few other traditions to make sure all bases were covered. So he was shot eleven times total. But there was a little hitch — he didn’t actually die from the gunshots. It kind of caught everyone off guard, and they were a bit stumped on what religiously respectful thing to do next. But then a quick thinking SEAL grabbed a Qur’an and beat Osama to death with it.

Yes… he’s got more.  Yes… he’s making the most excellent of points.

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