[ one of our leftist readers – a far extreme leftist – provided a glimpse into the midset of the politically insane in a comment to an earlier article. I expanded that glimpse to provide a satirical window for the benefit of our more balanced audience ]
Achmed entered the room warily, and looked about. As he approached the bar, he relaxed as he observed the Bloods in prayer along the West wall. There was no prayer rug, and the young men were using dice to conceal their activity – doubtless they were humble men who wanted to pray without being obvious about it – but Achmed knew such men had to be holy, for there was nothing of the Jew or Christian about their behavior or appearance.
He relaxed more, and began to smile as he observed the Hell’s Angels along the East wall across from the Bloods. Good men all, Achmed was sure. Why just this morning he had seen one of their number shoot a dog, and they handled their women the same way as any Mullah he had seen.
By the time Achmed reached the bar, he was cheerful. He asked the bartender for Goat’s Milk and prayed for the destruction of Israel before he took his first sip. Achmed opened the paper and scanned the news. It was all good, beginning with the death of several U.S. soldiers in Afghanistan. Achmed felt a momentary twinge as he considered that these men had been Americans like himself, and doubtless would have converted if their parents had let the Mosque hand out copies of the Quran to them when they were boys, but not all schools were as enlightened as his Madrassa, where Sharia directed Education the same way it directed Law and Commerce. At least the Zionist push to bring Democracy to a land close to Dar al-Islam was set back for a time. The news in Jerusalem was even better; seventeen women and children killed by a bomb at a daycare! How wonderful!
Sure with such tidings that the day was going to be great, Achmed folded the paper and decided to save the rest of the news for later. For now, it was a pleasure to see holy men at prayer and sport. The Hell’s Angels had taken a captive, Achmed saw, and Achmed could only hope the matter would end in the captive’s death – Achmed did not know him, so the man had to be a kaffir.
Suddenly, the door opened, and a new gang entered. At first, Achmed did not realize the threat, for there were only two of them, and they were thin and small. Then he noticed their white shirts and black pants, the dress shoes and the short, neat haircuts – Jehovah’s Witnesses!
“$&!*” muttered one of the Bloods, and he gestured to his posse to make for the exit quickly, but the Hell’s Angels were too slow. Too absorbed in tormenting their prisoner, the Angels did not notice the JWs until they were upon them. Achmed slowly backed away from the scene, sad for his friends but powerless to stop the terrible inquisition by the young men with books and bike helmets.
Achmed backed out the door that the Bloods had used, and stopped as he saw that they also had failed to escape. At first Achmed thought that a female gang had arrived, seeing an orange-ish blur move quickly about the gang, with the faint scent of some kind of perfume. But Achmed’s blood chilled as he realized that the gang was made of Buddhist monks. The Bloods had knives and guns, but these were useless against Ahimsa. Achmed was paralyzed for a moment, but turned and fled before the doctrine of absolute non-violence could take over his mind.
But there was to be no escape for Achmed. As he turned from the Buddhists to flee, he only took a few steps before he met his nemesis. A voice mockingly asked him:
“I see you have a glass of milk. Would you like some cookies to go with them?”
Slowly, Achmed turned to face his enemy, dreading what he knew he would see. Against his own will, Achmed saw his own hand take out his wallet, and buy not one, not two, but three boxes of Girl Scout cookies. Spending money to advance the causes of citizenship and charity, and giving that money to young women no less! Achmed knew he would never be allowed into Paradise after that.