Out of disaster comes good news

Lest the earthquake/tsunami become all doom and gloom, let’s take a minute to reflect on some good news from this catastrophe.

Large scale disasters in places with lots of cameras are good for the cable news network ratings.  They’ll get to show the full range of emotions from lip-quivering sorrow to joyful elation to fist-pounding rage to solemn, nodding understanding.  It’s got to be a pretty exciting time around the CNN offices.  Could we see the next Wolf Blitzer emerge from the rubble?  Only time will tell.

Trouble at the Fukushima nuclear power plant is good for anti-nuclear power groups.  Three Mile Island was nothing.  Chernobyl was sheer incompetent Soviet nincompoopery.  Now we’ve finally got a big one brought on by the heavens (Earth, whatever…) themselves.  Might as well say goodbye to any new nuke plants in the US in the immediate future.

Of course, even the greenies aren’t too fond of the alternatives.  Which gave me a brilliant idea that would kill a gaggle of birds with one stone.  What I envision is millions of micro-generators attached to stationary bicycles – like an army of Gilligans pedaling furiously to power a coconut radio – wired to a common grid.  The homeless and unemployed get coveted green jobs of the future.  It’d even help with Lady Obama’s Your Kid’s Too Fat thing.  No worries if it isn’t energy efficient, it couldn’t be any worse than ethanol.

Hell, I bet I could even Tom Sawyer people into pedaling the damn things for nothing.

Speaking of wealthy energy potentates, having the world’s gaze fixed squarely on Japan for the near future is great news for Moomar Godaffy and the rest of the Middle East monarchs.  To steal a bit from Southwest Airlines, “You are now free to bust heads all around your country.”  Godspeed gentle tyrants!  Sure we’re still sore over the Lockerbie incident, but not so sore we’d actually make sure you got a foot in your ass.

In fact, I’m pretty sure there are still a couple of those neat reset buttons laying around over at State that we hope you’ll find as whimsical and fun as we do.  Try it!  It actually says “Reset” when you push it!*

* Actually translation may vary.  Your language may not be available.  Please see Ambassador for details.  If you do not have an Ambassador please accept our humblest apologies.

Island of Japan moves 8 feet, Earth shifts on axis
Explosion, fire at Fukushima nuclear power plant