I swear, sometimes my carnal nature just gets the best of me.
Since the subject matter here might be considered NSFW (in more ways than one – you’ll understand after you read the story) I’m placing the rest of this entry below the fold …
From CBS News — Man Found Guilty In Semen Assault Case:
A Fullerton man has been found guilty of ejaculating into his female co-workers water bottle.
Michael Lallana, 32, was found guilty Thursday afternoon of assault
and battery. Jurors also found true the allegation that he did it for
Lallana admitted in a taped interview submitted to jurors that he
ejaculated into an “attractive” co-worker’s water bottle because “her
lips had touched it,” but told detectives he never thought she would
Lallana and the woman — identified only as Tiffany G. — began working
together at Northwestern Mutual Financial Network in Newport Beach. They
were both later transferred last year to the company’s office in
“It was the closest I could ever get to someone as good looking as
that without tampering with my marriage or hurting anyone,” Lallana said
in the interview with Orange Police Department detectives in explaining
why he ejaculated into the woman’s water bottle twice last year.
When the detectives quizzed him on why he didn’t just throw the water
bottle away when he was done, Lallana said he figured she would dump
the water and was afraid of leaving anything out of place on her desk.
Mmmmkaaaaay … that’s bad enough. But of course there’s more:
Tiffany testified that she left her water bottle on her desk in the
Newport Beach office on a Friday in January of last year. She said that
when she returned the following Monday and drank from the bottle, she
tasted what she believed to be semen.
“I had a hunch that’s what it was, but I wouldn’t dream in a million years that’s what it was,” she said.
Okay, stop thinking what you’re thinking. Just read on, and discover how clever and resourceful this young lady is:
After being transferred to the company’s office in Orange, the woman
said she again tasted semen in her water last April 6. Up to that point,
she had been more careful with her water, dumping it when she left, she
Tiffany testified she threw the water bottle away that January. But
after the second time in April, she kept the fouled liquid and asked her
fiancee put his semen in a water bottle to see if that’s what she had
tasted at work.
“At the time, I had no idea how else to figure out what this was,” she testified.
Allright, stop laughing. Stop it, NOW.
After discussing this with her employer’s understandably baffled HR department, the lightbulb finally came on and “Tiffany” had the water in her bottle tested by a laboratory. After the results came back positive, Orange Police Department detectives got involved. They identified their man through a DNA match. And poor “Tiffany”. What an office legacy this will make.
I really don’t have anything else to add, because to mention things like, oh I don’t know, maybe … hair color – well, that just wouldn’t be very nice. I’ll leave that up to the commenters.
PS – FYI Kevin, the Zemanta image gallery in the Movable Type editor came up with some *ahem* interesting pictures while I was typing up this story.
And because someone asked … here is a pic of the perp, Michael Lallana, and another pic of the victim, “Tiffany G.”
Another related news report states that the victim hired celebrity attorney Gloria Allred to represent her. Obviously this case is not over, since Gloria Allred doesn’t get involved in anything that doesn’t have some kind of million-dollar deal attached.