Hey, remember the other week, when I had a suggestion for dealing with airport patdowns? I said since it’s inevitable, just go with the flow and enjoy it.
Well, it looks like some guy did just that… and even more than I recommended.
For those who don’t want to read the article, here’s the summation: there was a gentleman who intended to travel via airplane. Said gentleman had, for whatever reason, decided some time ago that his nether regions were rather bland and unappealing as God had designed, so he decided they needed some “bling.” Several pieces of bling.
Said bling showed up on the scanners (big surprise there), so he was singled out for a patdown. A thorough patdown. A patdown involving ascertaining that his ornamentation was purely decorative, and not dangerous. Or, at least, dangerous to his fellow passengers — I’d rather not speculate on its usage or potential for harm in private.
Apparently this gentleman really appreciated the patdown. Really, really appreciated it. And, being a guy, his appreciation took tangible form.
On the very thorough (and now thoroughly grossed-out) inspector.
The gentleman with the ornate “junk” was arrested and charged with sexually assaulting a federal agent. Apparently you’re supposed to stand there and have your genitalia fondled, but it’s bad if you enjoy it too much.
Here’s a little secret, folks, from a guy: that particular response is not something that is entirely under our control. Yes, we can exert a certain amount of restraint, but it’s hardly an absolute thing. There comes a point of no return. And having his ornamentation manipulated that thoroughly was enough for this guy.
For which he was thrown to the floor, handcuffed, and charged with sexual assault.
Poor guy. I bet he didn’t even get the screener’s phone number.
But think about it. You are legally compelled to stand there and do nothing while a federal agent grabs you in a very personal way (but impersonal manner), in a way that most men would appreciate, but if you enjoy it too much, you’ll be arrested. And you will be charged with sexually assaulting the man who ordered you to allow him to grope your genitalia.
Much like the old line about how “he assaulted me — he kept hitting my fists with his face.”
I feel a bit of sympathy for the screener, because he certainly didn’t ask for the “p__rl n_ckl_c_” he apparently earned the old-fashioned way. But dammit, if you tease the spitting cobra, you run the risk of getting… er… well, you know.
So when you go through airport security, guys, think of baseball statistics or multiplication tables or corpses or other unpleasant thoughts. Do everything you can to avoid appreciating the “enhanced patdown” that they insist you submit to.
Because that completely ordinary and natural reaction to that form of stimuli can get you arrested.
(Wizbang Bonus Points — redeemable for absolutely nothing — for whoever first identifies where I lifted the title from.)
Update: As noted by commenter Dawnsblood (who probably recognized my title quote, too), it turns out I didn’t notice that the article was a satire. Damn, it’s a sad state of affairs that a story like this is all too plausible. Dawnsblood, you Keyed right into the facts and have a Gift for spotting things I overlooked. My thanks.