Improving the TSA Screening Process

Gadsden flag 2010
Please tell me this has been done by somebody somewhere before

I was actually working on a post which had as its thesis that hiring strippers to perform those close-up inspections would be both a boon to the good-looking-people-with-useless-degrees (ahem) as well as the security at the airports as they wouldn’t have to buy those expensive nudie-scanners. They’d just have to put in some mood lighting and get a kickin’ stereo for the Airport Security Screening and Champaign Room™.

Because there’s only fine-lookin’ men or women (depending on your preference) in the Screening and Champaign Room. Gettin’ nekkid. For security.

Or so my thesis went. The threat of naked people writhing on a would-be bomber would cause the terrorist to either give up the bombing (as he’d have something better to do that exploding) or he’d be so against our vile westerner flesh that he’d never comply with the full-body dance-off.

That was when my thesis broke down, as I’m not really sure terrorists don’t like that, you see. Do terrorists mind being probed by the newly unionized TSA (Touching Stripper Authority) agents?  I mean, I’m really trying to avoid goat-jokes here.

Also, I’m not sure about the terrorists, but I’m pretty sure Catholic nuns and old people and the like would be pretty immune to the wiles of exotic dancers (and for once I’m not talking about Bristol Palin). It’s a pretty sure bet that if somebody is trying to pray you out of Hell or old enough to be their grandparent, they don’t much care for naked people bouncing on top of them.

At least people they don’t know. Or Bristol Palin. Or maybe they’d want Bristol instead, I dunno. All I do know is that no strippers performing at airports means the terrorists have already won.

The 3. A.M. Phone Call Has Come
Things to not do for that special woman in your life