Get Into The Groove

Well, it seems that everyone’s upset about the new airport security measures — either the body scanners that essentially strip you naked, or the “patdowns” that pretty much equates to letting the security people get to second base with every passenger.

There’s a lot of talk about how to best push back against this intrusion, and I’ve been thinking about it. The problem is, most of the ideas will get you in trouble.

The first thought I had was to start yelling about sexual assault when they touch you. But that will just get you hauled out of line and possibly arrested.

My second thought was to bring your own latex gloves and offer to return the favor. After all, one good grope deserves another, right?

Wrong. Again, that’s a one-way trip to the security offices, and possibly jail.

Then I thought about turning it around and replying with a sexual come-on. “Baby, you make my package want to explode right here and now.” But once again, that gets you to the head of the line for the body cavity search, and most of us (not that I’m judging!) are not into that.

Then it occurred to me. Go with the flow.

Remember Clayton Williams? He was the Republican who ran for governor of Texas against Ann Richards in 1990. He pretty much lost his race when he jokingly compared bad weather to rape: “If it’s inevitable, just relax and enjoy it”.

Well, in this case, go ahead and enjoy it. Really enjoy it. Moan. Sigh appreciatively. Get into it. If you have the guts, go ahead and pull a full Meg Ryan.

Think about it. What is the screener going to do? You’re not resisting. You might be causing a scene, but all you have to do is say that you’re really, really sensitive there and, plus, you think the screener’s kinda cute.

This isn’t the kindest thing to do to the poor screeners. After all, they aren’t the ones who are setting the policy, they’re just the poor schlubs stuck with enforcing it. But if we make it unpleasant enough for them, then they (through their union — they shouldn’t have a union, but since they do, let’s try to make it work for us) might push back enough to get it changed.

Personally, I’m not planning any air travel until next summer, so this won’t likely affect me — I expect it will be resolved by that time. But I figured I’d toss out this little idea while it still might do some good.

So, come along. Have a blast. Wear your “O face” with pride. Get off before you get on. Get your rocks off before you get off the ground. Come together, right now.

"Islamophobia?" Redux
"You touch my junk and I'm going to have you arrested"