I'm No Cosmo Guy

Whenever I’m stuck in line at the supermarket, I find my eyes wandering to the tabloids and magazines. And there’s always something entertaining to glance at.

One of my particular favorites is Cosmopolitan. I never even touch the thing, but the cover copy is always good to get my brain distracted for a couple of minutes.

One thing I’ve concluded is that they should NEVER hire me. I’d ruin their whole schtick.

I’ve noticed that there’s always at least one blurb that hints at some deep, dark secret about men that women NEED to know (for the price of the magazine) if they don’t want to end up alone and unloved. And in each case, that “secret” is something blindingly obvious — at least, to this man.

For example, the current issue wants to tell women “HOW TO TOUCH A NAKED MAN.”

Ladies: as an occasionally naked man, let me assure you: as long as the touching doesn’t involve latex gloves and the words “pressure” or “discomfort,” it’s all pretty much good. And if it isn’t, we’ll try to find a way to tell you that doesn’t make you stop.

Last month was another “duh” article. “THE HOUR MEN CRAVE SEX MOST.”

The answer: this one. Runner-up? Next hour. Third: the hour after that. The fourth hour? Sure, but then I really oughta contact a physician.

But the most inspiring one was from the end of last summer. “WHY MEN CHEAT IN AUGUST.”

My first thought was “same reason we cheat the eleven other months.”

But that started me thinking. Not so much about cheating per se, but fooling around in general, and the twelve months. And there’s a ready-made excuse for each and every one of them.

August: Well, we’re already hot and sweaty, babe, why not make it for a good reason?

September: In honor of all those parents who’ve finally got the last kid off to college.

October: Trick or treat!

November: This is what I’m most thankful for.

December: Can’t let that mistletoe go to waste, can we?

January: Let’s start the year off with a bang!

February: It’s the shortest month — we can’t waste any time!

March: The weather’s scuzzy and gross out there. Wanna stay inside and…?

April: April Fool’s!

May: It’s springtime! All the world is coming back to life! What better way to celebrate?

June: Remember the last day of school, and the freedom it represented?

July: “Skyrockets in flight…”

The more I think about it, the more I am convinced that I should not only never buy Cosmo, but I should never even touch it. To see the details behind the lurid cover copy would run the mystique, the enchantment, the imagination I invest in them and ruin one of the few fun things about being stuck in line at the supermarket. It could never live up to the image I have in my mind.

On the other hand, there’s always the tabloids…

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