WASHINGTON- In a surprising turn of events, months of US military planning have proved useless when it was revealed to President Obama that real armies are not used similarly to Risk, a popular board game.
The revelation comes at a time when the President has planned an invasion of North Korea because of their recent aggressive actions.
“This is terrible,” said Secretary of Defense Robert Gates. “The President had planned to turn in cards and bolster the United States army. Not only would we have strengthened our forces of men, but also we’d have added a couple cannons and three horses… He even had two free men in the Eastern United States.”
President Obama had planned to conquer Kamchatka from Alaska with his new army. “From there, I would be able to strike Mongolia, which is where the Korean peninsula is located,” the President stated. “The only problem is that the gray army is strong there, and their roller always wants a redo when the dice go off the table.”
According to sources, the Commander in Chief had even prepared for the invasion by opening older versions of Risk and placing blocks and Roman Numerals on the board.
Unfortunately, President Obama was informed late last night that the military attack would not be feasible. “They told me that my men on the board didn’t really count,” said Obama, referring to the Joint Chiefs of Staff. “I said that they were just jealous that I had been rolling sixes all game. But, no, they said that North Korea does not recognize the supremacy of a board game.
“On the bright side,” said the President, “this won’t affect my plans to invade Indonesia via Siam. If I can get Australia, I’ll get two extra men a turn.”
The President is also reportedly planning on playing Monopoly with CEOs from major US car companies.
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