WASHINGTON- Amidst growing pressure to declare a comprehensive plan for the war in Afghanistan, President Obama has made an unexpected decision: using a childhood toy to decide what to do with major policies.
The toy, a Magic 8 ball given to him when he was nine, is still usable, the President said in a press conference on Sunday night. “You see,” President Obama explained, “you ask the ball a question and shake it like so.” The President then shook the ball he had at his podium.
“Uh oh, it says ask again later,” the President concluded.
In a press release, the White House detailed how the toy would be used, and how exactly the President came to his decision to use it.
The President has grown despondent to Republican leaders, the release states. Escaping for a break in his home town, the President happened upon a childhood gift that had brought him years of joy, and had helped decisions he made in the Senate. He brought it back to Washington.
The press release continues that, when asked a hard question “by a general or official,” the President would defer the question to the ball. “It helps us two ways,” Press Secretary Robert Gibbs stated on Monday. “First, we get the action that many pundits and politicians have been waiting for. Second, if a plan goes awry, we can blame the Magic 8 ball for making a bad decision.
“It’s win-win,” Gibbs added.
So far, in questions regarding the strategy in Afghanistan have produced mix results. According to Sec. of State Hillary Clinton, the President has asked the toy many hard hitting questions.
“Whenever the President asks about troop increases or how long to stay in the war, the ball response in some sort of gray area,” Clinton reported. “President Obama asked the ball several times if he should listen to generals or go with his gut, but it responded twice “All signs point to Yes,” and once “Concentrate and ask again.”
“On the bright side, we are going some consistency with some questions,” Clinton continued. “Whenever we ask ‘Will republicans ever like us,’ it always says “Outlook not so good.””