Some immigration humor

There’s even a handy 1-866 toll free number you can call if “you are an immigration fugitive and have questions about whether you qualify for the Scheduled Departure Program.”


“If you are an illegal immigrant please press 1. Para Espanol marque dos.

Please listen to our menu carefully. Our deportation options have changed.

If you are an illegal immigrant and have no criminal record please press 1.

If you are an illegal immigrant with a criminal record, please press 2.

You have pressed 2. Please state your name and address clearly after the tone. An ICE agent will come by shortly to detain you. Thank you for your cooperation.”

But suppose you pressed 1.

“If you are an illegal immigrant with a valid ID please press 1.

For quality assurance purposes an ICE Agent may monitor your call.(That’s your FISA dollars at work)

Please enter your 9 digit Social Security number followed by the # sign to see if you are eligible for this special limited time self -deportation offer.

Please hold while we verify your Social Security number…

Sorry, your Social Security number already exists.
Press 1 if you would like accept a plea bargain with 5 months jail time.
Press 2 if you would like an ankle bracelet.
Press 3 to self deport now.
Press 0 at any time for an ICE agent.

Thank you for using Self-Deport. We hope you had a pleasant stay in the U.S. and we wish you a safe onward journey

Honestly I have no opinion in regards to ICE’s Scheduled Departure Program. Except I tend to be skeptical when it comes to government bureaucracy administering any program in a competent fashion.

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The Knucklehead of the Day award