Game On

I’ve burned a lot of pixels over the years defending the rights of the children of prominent people to not get swept up into their parents’ publicity. I’ve repeatedly denounced those who would make political pawns out of Chelsea Clinton, Al Gore Jr., and the Bush twins — among others — for having made the poor choice of who to choose as their parents. I’ve always said that until those people make a solid commitment to entering the public fray, they should be left alone.

Some time ago, someone thought it would be amusing, entertaining, educational, or just plain annoying to sign me up for some politicians’ mailing lists. I get semi-regular notices from John Kerry, Michael Moore, and Hillary Clinton, among others. I never asked for this, never agreed to it, but they still keep dumping their stuff in my inbox. Mostly I ignore it, but every now and then I glance through it purely for entertainment purposes.

Well, yesterday I got an e-mail from Chelsea Clinton herself.

OK, let’s be candid. It was not likely written by Chelsea, but by a staffer. I wouldn’t even be so certain that she even read it before it was sent out. But it has her name on it, and that wouldn’t happen without her consent, so she’s chosen to become a public part of the campaign. She’s forfeited all the rights and respect I’d given her prior to this.

Game on.

Let the Fisking begin.

Dear Friend,

I love talking to people who are thinking about supporting my mom — about why I believe in her and why I support her as a young American, a woman, and her daughter!

Of course I mean that literally. When the people are only thinking about supporting my mom, I only talk TO them. I don’t let them talk back to me. I might hear something mean and negative and — even worse — TRUE about her. So it’s strictly a monologue.

I also love talking to people who already support my mom’s campaign. Every day, when people tell me they’re voting for my mom, putting their faith in her, using their voice to encourage others to support her and working hard for her, I grow more proud.

Of course, those people who I deign to allow to speak to me are all carefully vetted and screened so they only tell me nice things about my mother But then, ever since I first saw the Rose Garden at the White House, I’ve been fond of plants. I even thought about minoring in botany. I kind of wish I had, because then I could do even more to help Mom’s campaign.

I’ve been campaigning with her across the country — and I’m definitely planning on being at the next debate. Would you like to join me? The campaign is picking an online supporter to watch the January 31 debate in Los Angeles with me and to meet my mom. I know she’ll be thrilled to meet you — she is so grateful for how much every supporter has done for her campaign.

Remember, this is for SUPPORTERS only. You will be carefully vetted and screened to be properly sycophantic, telegenic, and able to recite the carefully-prepared spontaneous remarks we will script for you.

Oh, and if you’re black, that’d be a definite bonus, too.

With the biggest day of this campaign in just 12 days, there has never been a more important time to contribute. I hope you’ll help my mom’s campaign prepare for February 5!

Enter before midnight on Saturday, and you might join me at the next presidential debate!

Please, give us money. Even more money. Daddy just scored a $20 million payout, but he’s saving that for Viagra and condoms — he’s got to stock up now and get a four-year supply, because when Mom wins, he won’t be able to buy it without making her look like even more of the laughingstock she is already.

I get a lot of questions from friends and people I meet about what they can do to help my mom win. Of course, I tell them that they should vote, tell their family and friends about my mom and why they support her, and volunteer if they can. But I also send them to the website and ask them to make a contribution if they can.

That’s pretty much the only question I allow people to ask me — “how can I help your mom win?” And just to be absolutely certain, her staffers give me a card every morning with a new way of saying the same answer back to the latest batch of rubes.

Today, I’m asking you the same thing. I’ve knocked on doors, made calls, visited our field offices, and joined my mom at rallies. I can tell you firsthand that my mom is doing a great job, and that we have a big job ahead of us; she needs help from every last one of us right now.

I’ve done a LOT for mom lately, instead of working at my job in New York City managing hedge funds. It’s remarkable what an aborted degree in Chemistry, parlayed into a Bachelor’s in History and an Oxford Masters in international relations (with my thesis on my dad) can get you in the world of high finance. And I wish you’d help mom wrap this up quick — there’s a lot of exciting things happening in the world of hedge funds right now, and I’m missing out on learning a whole bunch of new things.

Oh, I’m sorry. Did I say “aborted?” I meant “exercise my Constitutional Right Of Choice to change majors from something hard and productive to something where I can use mom and dad’s connections to score easy grades and a cushy job.” I forgot I’m not supposed to use the A-word.

Please contribute now, when she needs your support the most, and help her change America and our futures for the better.

Enter before midnight on Saturday, and hopefully you will join me to watch the next presidential debate!

Send in that money, and remember the contest. 1,000 runners-up will receive a complimentary “Hillary ’08” black beret and a case of Jizz-B-Gon instant dry cleaner.

Thank you so much for all you’re doing for my mom’s campaign. I’m so proud she has so many wonderful people like you with her!

Thank you again,

Just please keep your distance.

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