Almost exactly three years after he lost the presidential election, about 33 months since he promised Tim Russert he’d sign the release form to make public his full military record, and three months after the statute of limitations runs out on his right to sue them for defamation, and John Kerry is finally answering the Swift Boat Veterans For Truth’s charges about him that damaged his presidential aspirations.
Well, not quite. He’s “ready” to answer them.
This morning, I took a stab at some political satire, and lord knows I’ve satirized John Kerry in the past, but I swear you just can’t make up stuff about Kerry that’s funnier, dumber, and more satirical than the stuff he says and does to himself — usually with minimal to no prompting. From his fumbling a Bush-bashing joke into a troops bashing joke and then refusing to admit he’d made an error to his lengthy history as a “trophy husband” (the phrase “gigolo” might fit, but it’s a bit harsh) to his throwing his medals over the White House fence (reworked into “someone else’s medals” when a reporter spotted Kerry’s own medals on display in his Senate office) to he and his brother “Watergating” his opponent’s office in his first run for the House to his running the Boston Marathon once in a year he can’t remember to his spotting a 16-point buck deer on Cape Cod to his “magic hat” given to him by a CIA agent he’d taken into Cambodia to his attending a Boston fundraiser the same night he attended Game 6 of the 1986 World Series in New York City, the conclusion is just inescapable:
You Can’t Make This Shit Up.
No matter the whopper you try to put in John Kerry’s mouth, it will be dwarfed by the ones he himself utters.
And this was the best candidate the Democrats could offer America for president in 2004? Good lord, did we ever dodge the bullet that time.