Breaking news: arrests made in plot to assassinate Sheryl Crowe

(LOS ANGELES) — Police announced today that they have broken up a plot to kill singer Sheryl Crowe in response to her recent efforts to promote environmental awareness.

Authorities say they have the ringleader, 89-year-old grocer George Whipple, was incensed over her calls for people to reduce their use of bathroom tissue. “That stuff is my bread and butter,” Whipple was alleged to have said. “I have grandkids to put through college, and that one-hit wonder twit was talking about cutting my sales to a fraction.”

Whipple’s plot apparently involved sending specially-trained killer bears on to one of Crowe’s concerts. Once she started singing her trademark hit, “Soak Up The Sun,” they would attack her and unfurl banners that would read “SOAK UP THIS, BITCH!” and “BET THIS’LL TAKE MORE THAN ONE SQUARE!”

Charmin, the employer of record of both Mr. Whipple and the bears, issued a statement that neither Whipple nor the bears were acting with the knowledge or approval of Charmin or their corporate parent, Procter & Gamble, and had been terminated immediately. They also expressed their respect and admiration for Crowe, describing her music as “so squeezably soft, it’s irresistible.”

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