We, the undersigned, having grown weary of the burden of freedom and responsibility, do hereby foreswear, forfeit, and waive our following rights:
1) Our right to protect our physical persons. We pay the government — and quite well — to do this for us, through the police, the military, and far too many other government agencies to count. We have chosen to disregard numerous court decisions that they have no responsibilities to us individually, and still place our fate entirely in their hands. And when they fail us, we will blame our excessive freedoms and surrender more rights in the name of physical safety.
2) Our right to tally and pay our own taxes. We have chosen to separate ourselves from the cost of our government by delegating to government and employers the task of paying our taxes, through “withholding.” Instead of being presented with a bill for payment, our taxes are taken from us before we even see our salary. Then, when (as is often the case) we have overpaid, we rejoice and see as a gift our refund, and choose not to realize that this refund is simply the government repaying an interest-free loan from us. The only real burden we choose to accept is that of filing our own returns, when we can see just how much of our labors are on behalf of the government. (And if one presidential candidate has his way, he will relieve us of even this onerous task.)
3) Our right to make decisions for our own safety. Every one of us knows — or ought to know — that certain things are safe and unsafe, healthy and unhealthy. Trans fats are terrible for our bodies. Seat belts, in nearly every circumstance, improve our chances of surviving a car crash almost logarithmically. Motorcycle helmets, even more so. In these and in countless other ways, we know what the smart thing to do is. But we do not wish to be burdened with the responsibility of caring for ourselves, so we call upon the government to make certain we make the right choices, and accept whatever punishment, fine, or sanction they see fit if we put ourselves at risk.
In the name of our own safety, our own security, and our own peace of mind, we, the undersigned, do hereby pledge our lives, our fortunes, our liberty, our judgment, and our own common sense.
Far Too Many Americans