For some time now, Wizbang! has enjoyed a bit of popularity among the conservative, Christian, Republican crowds. This has made me occasionally feel like a bit of an odd duck, being a self-described “militant moderate,” agnostic, independent, but for the most part I don’t mind the association. (One of my colleagues, in a private e-mail discussion amongst us authors, threatened to start calling me “Token.”) I’ve found my beliefs might not always match up with the rest of the crew here on some issues (gay marriage and abortion spring to mind), but overall we’re a fairly compatible group — and I’ve found the right a bit more tolerant, accepting, diverse, and inclusive than the left, which usually brags of its own strengths in those areas.
Every now and then, though, I feel the need to reassert my own independent streak, to remind folks that while I might generally get along with the standard agenda, I don’t buy into it wholeheartedly. This is one of those times.
Last week, there was a bit of a kerfuffle when an artist made a life-sized, nude, anatomically correct image of Christ out of chocolate, and was going to put “My Sweet Lord” on display in New York City. This riled up a lot of Christians, and eventually the notion was scrapped.
I was a bit irritated about this myself. Not out of any sense of personal piety, but because the instant I heard about the story, a song got stuck in my head. A new take on an old song. And it kept rattling around inside my brain until I finally took pen to paper and wrote down the lyrics.
(A quick personal note: Candy, Suzy, and other friends of mine with fairly strong Christian beliefs: you might not want to read this one. It isn’t very nice.)
Chocolate Jesus
Well, I don’t care who it displeases,
I just like that chocolate Jesus,
Hanging somewhere in New York City.
Just in time for this Easter,
They’re showing off his bare brown keister,
That artist must think he’s awful witty.
(Refrain)
Chocolate Jesus, chocolate Jesus,
Hanging somewhere in New York City.
Just in time for this Easter,
They’re showing off his bare brown keister,
That artist must think he’s awful witty.
Well, I don’t care who it displeases,
I just like that chocolate Jesus,
Hanging somewhere in New York City.
Hanging up somewhere in New York.
Take an “H” out of Hershey
And you’ll end up with “heresy”
That’ll get all those Christians all torqued.
(Refrain)
Some may call it misbehavior
To display a chocolate savior
With his naughty bits just there for all to see.
They call the thing “My Sweet Lord”
And the artist’s stock sure has soared
From this edible nude man from Galilee.
(Refrain)
Christians are an easy mark,
Their bite’s much less than their bark,
They won’t kill you if you trash their King.
You’re also safe if you choose
To mock and insult those pesky Jews,
Neither one is into beheading.
(Refrain)
But them followers of old Mo’s,
They readily come to blows,
At the tiniest little slight;
Call their prophet a pedophile,
Even if you say it with a smile,
And you’re just begging for a fight.
(Refrain)
They take their faith quite serious,
They raise up quite a fuss,
When they think someone has said them wrong;
They will leave me quite dead,
And, maybe, without my head,
For daring to print this little song.
(Refrain)
“Islam is the religion of peace,”
They repeat without surcease,
Hoping we all will buy into the scam;
“Kill them all,” they should all shout,
“And let Allah sort them out!”
At least, that’s how I read the Koran.
(Refrain)
But Muslims are a different sort,
Violence seems their first resort
At the slightest hint of disrespect;
With rifle, bomb, or knife,
they’ll cheerily take your life;
That faith seems like a mental defect.
So bring on that chocolate Jesus,
Complete with sacred semi-sweet penis,
Christians will turn the other cheek;
They won’t riot in the streets,
Over sacreligious sweets,
Not even the most devout Jesus freak.
(Refrain)
