Bald Love

Never mind North Korean nukes. Nobody cares about the Palestinian civil war. And forget about the menacing legerdemain of the mad mullahs of Iran. There’s something far more pressing to discuss.

As dear Kevin has already reported (with a photograph to boot), Britney Spears has shaved her head bald. Yep: She’s sporting the Kojak look. And, quite frankly, this has forced us to endure hours of tortured self-reflection.

You see, dear reader, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” always harbored mild disdain for the young Ms. Spears. In our humble opinions, her music was typical popular pabulum–saccharine garbage for the great unwashed.

In addition, we found Ms. Spears taste in men less than desirable. Sure, we’ve never actually met her former husband K-Fed. But–forgive us for being judgmental–he never came across to us as that classy. Maybe it’s just us. And let’s not forget the fact that lovely Britney seems to have graduated from the Michael Jackson Baby-Handling School.

But now Britney Spears has gone and done something that seems positively aimed at garnering our undying affection: She’s shaved herself completely bald. It’s as if Ms. Spears is crying directly to us: “Love me, love me, crack young staff.”

We just can’t help it. As men nervously taking in our last few days on planet earth with anything resembling hair, we simply have to esteem bald people. It’s just part of our darn DNA.

Allow us to offer an example. When Andre Agassi had long flowing locks, we found him utterly detestable. In fact, he was amongst our least favorite athletes of all time.

And then he went bald. Now, dear reader, we think Andre’s just grand. If only Steffi Graf lost her hair, we’d pretty much venerate the couple like Zeus and Hera. (A bald Zeus and Hera, mind you.)

So, sure: Britney’s latest stunt may be a sad cry for help. Perhaps her drinking is getting out of control. Maybe Madonna has managed to warp her mind.

But we don’t care. We love the new look. You go, girl.

(Note: The crack young staff normally “weblog” over at “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” where they are currently gleefully humming “Oops, I Did It Again.”)

Cowardly Lyin'
So galling, you'd think they were French