As is so oft the case, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” found ourselves reading The Huffington Post, Arianna Huffington’s example of Internet egomania. Naturally, we regularly peruse the ole’ Huff Po in order to bask in the intellectually serious lucubrations to be found there.
And, as usual, we were not disappointed. On the contrary: Within a few seconds of searching around the Huffy Po, we spotted a learned musing titled “If Only Doug Feith Had Big Tits.” We know what you’re thinking, dear reader: With a title like that, it has to be thoughtful.
This little piece was penned by a fellow called Marty Kaplan. As his Huff Po bio makes clear, Mr. Kaplan is both director of the Norman Lear Center and the associate dean of the USC Annenberg School for Communication.
Wow: A dean of communications expatiating on a busty Douglas Feith. That is very impressive. No wonder Mr. Kaplan has made such strides in the academic rat race. He certainly has a way with words.
But we needn’t speak for Mr. Kaplan. Rather, we’ll let his charming “post” speak for itself. Here’s the first of his two-paragraph opus:
If Doug Feith looked like Courtney Love’s bad dream of Marilyn Monroe, would the cable “news” networks clear their schedules when evidence of his manipulation of pre-war intelligence hit the wires? If “the fucking stupidest guy on the face of the earth,” as Gen. Tommy Franks called Feith, were a now-dead Playmate, would Wolf go wall-to-wall with the story of the neocon Fifth Column within the Pentagon?
Ah, yes: Unnecessary expletives, ad hominem attacks, the labeling of political opponents as members of a “Fifth Column”–here’s the stuff of a serious professor of communications. With a guy like Marty Kaplan at the head of a communications school, one hardly need wonder why mainstream media outfits are in such a state of crisis.
Now, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” must admit that the obsessive television coverage of Anna Nicole Smith’s death has been more than a mite enraging. But we don’t think that it warrants the sophomoric ideological effusions of Marty Kaplan, a dean at a communications school.
Gee: We thought that our buddies on the Left hated it when people questioned their patriotism. And here we have Marty Kaplan–a prime mover-and-shaker in that storied Walter Mondale presidential campaign–calling neoconservatives a “Fifth Column.” Perhaps Mr. Kaplan can pen another moronic screed attempting to hammer away at that seeming contradiction.
(Note: The crack young staff normally “weblog” at “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” where they are currently composing an important tract tentatively titled “If Only Marty Kaplan Had a Large Penis.”)