A Horror Story

Washington DC, Friday November 10 2006 (AP) – Democrats are still celebrating the takeover of both chambers of Congress in Tuesday’s mid-term elections, striking a serious blow to Republicans and the influence of now-lame-duck President George W. Bush.

Shaking his head, DNC Chairman Howard Dean laughed at his good fortune. “We had terrible turnout“, admitted the head of the Democrats’ national committee, “but we lucked out because the Republicans stayed home, too.

“It would have been very easy for the Republicans to have saved control of at least one chamber, but they sat on their butts and that worked for us.”

Baghdad, Iraq Monday February 5 2007 (AP) – Ordered by Congress to pull out of Iraq as soon as possible, U.S. troops began the first of a series of scaled pull-outs, removing 25,000 troops from positions deemed by Congress to be “too risky“. In related news, sectarian violence surged in Fallujah, Sadr City, and along the border with Saudi Arabia, as insurgents took heart in the American retreat. Over a thousand people are believed to have died in the new surge in violence over the past ten days.

Washington DC, Monday March 12 2007 (AP) – The U.S. Economy continued its slide for the third straight month, with Unemployment and the Consumer Price index both rising again. Economists say confidence in the economy has weakened due to fears of tax increases and a Congress which is hostile to the average person.

Beijing, Wednesday March 14 2007 (AP) – Iran and China have signed a landmark cooperation and defense treaty, announced today in a ceremony in Tienamen Square. Analysts believe that the weakened U.S. position in Asian and the Middle East made the deal more attractive than It would have been in past years, especially since Senate Foreign Relations committee chairman Joseph Biden has publicly warned that Congress would not approve “any more adventures” overseas for the foreseeable future.

Washington DC, Monday May 21 2007 (AP) – The Senate today slapped a stinging rebuke to the Bush Administration, by demanding a complete review and “overhaul” to intelligence-gathering procedures. In a move unprecedented since the Church Committee hearings of the 1970s, the Senate announced that the proceedings would be aired live and in public. Concerns about protecting “critical sources and methods” would be endangered by the publicity were brushed aside as “spooks trying to cover their behinds“.

The Hague, June 8 2007 (AP) – The International Court of Justice today indicted sixteen U.S. Marines on charges of abusing the human rights of over one hundred suspected members of Al Qaeda, by detaining Iranian nationals and incarcerating them without due process under the terms of Sharia. The case is widely viewed as a test case to determine the new American mood with regard to nations like Iran and North Korea. “It appears that the Congress has finally tired of allowing Bush to treat sovereign nations like beggars” commented an Iranian diplomat through Al-Jazeera. Veterans groups in the U.S. protested that turning over American troops to be tried in a foreign court was unconscionable, but a spokesman for the State Department explained that the new bill by Congress, which overrode President Bush’s veto, requires the United States comply with international law “in all respects“, including abiding by rulings from the ICJ.

Washington DC, Friday June 29 2007 (AP) – Just before the Fourth of July break, Congress dropped a bombshell on the taxpayer, increasing the employer and employee portion of SSI taxes to 22.7% each, with a warning that further increases may be necessary. Explaining the hike, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid said “look, no one likes raising taxes, but the only way to fix this problem is to put more money into the system.”

Baghdad, Friday July 20 2007 (AP) – U.S. troops are exiting Iraq as quickly as possible, promised General Peter Schoomaker, Army Chief of Staff, but casualties are an inevitable price paid by “quitting before the job is finished“. U.S. forces have lost over a thousand casualties, including more than six hundred deaths, since the February decision by Congress to pull out of Iraq. Analysts say the country is effectively in civil war at this time, “total chaos in places” as confidence in the nascent democracy was shattered by the sudden decision by the United States to go home.

Islamabad, Monday July 23 2007 (AP) – In a stunning move, the government of Pakistan has cut relations with the United States, opened talks with Iran regarding regional issues, and opened a consulate for Al Qaeda. Officials for President Musharraf explained, “we are merely adjusting to the reality of new conditions.”

Washington DC, Monday, July 27 2007 (AP) – The Fairness Doctrine is back, and bigger than ever. Both chambers of Congress passed a measure which will not only require radio stations and cable television networks to provide “equal time and resources” to contrasting points of view, but for the first time also requires that political opinion websites, often called political “blogs“, be registered their financing reported, and agree to abide by “fair and reasonable” standards. Questions remain regarding enforcement, but one official who spoke on condition of anonymity said, “we can make sure extreme voices don’t get out of hand“.

Is it all just a bad dream? If you sit on your butt or don’t vote Republican, maybe not.

Happy Halloween!

NOW GO VOTE!

What he said, part II
John Kerry's Opinion of our Military Men and Women

22 Comments

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