Please Put Your Sexuality Back Inside the Box

“Do you know the difference between a vibrator and a dildo?” Thus reads one of the inspiring queries in Dr. Jennifer A. Gunsaullus’ sexual questionnaire “Questions To Stimulate Thinking Outside the Box.” If you don’t know the answer to this or other intriguing questions Dr. Jenn lays on us, then you can have the distinct privilege of paying the Good Doctor around $75 an hour for her answers.

You see, dear reader, Dr. Jenn is a sociology PhD who’s the mastermind behind “Sexuality Outside ‘The Box’: Integrating Mind, Body & Spirit with Female Sexuality.” As an expert in so-called women’s studies, the Good Doctor figured that she’d make a few extra bucks from her fellow southern California femmes, to supplement her gigs as an adjunct professor. To this end, Dr. Jenn has devised a series of workshops for sexually benighted hausfraus, which aim at answering such brainteasers as “Do you know how to please yourself?”

Frankly, dear reader, it all makes perfect sense. As she informs us on her informative “website,” Dr. Jenn spent her graduate career engaged in intellectual masturbation of the women’s studies variety. Why not, then, move on to a more traditional form of self-pleasure?

As such, Dr. Jenn has taken it upon herself to aid her fellow women by bestowing upon them the fruits of her knowledge for a hefty fee. You, your friends, and even your business partners can head down to Dr. Jenn’s love den to stimulate yourselves outside the box–and perhaps even the box itself.

To be downright honest, we find this kind of thing mortifying for members of the fairer sex. We mean, come on: Aren’t these forays into female sexuality a bit pathetic? If you honestly don’t know your vibrator from your dildo, do you really require some chucklehead adjunct professor to enlighten you?

Unsurprisingly, the Good Doctor is a huge fan of The Vagina Monologues, that feculent Eve Ensler production in favor of lesbian statutory rape. Ensler’s kind of narcissistic sexual navel-gazing has caught on fire with the upper-middle-class college gals whom women’s studies professors deem “the oppressed.”

But the narcissistic pseudo-spiritual attachment to sexual pleasure gets even more ridiculous in Dr. Jenn’s den. Check out this delightful workshop:

Love Your Body! Body-Image and Photography
Do you want to learn how to feel harmonious with your body? Ever considered posing for nude or lingerie photography? This workshop beautifully integrates an exploration of our beliefs about our bodies as women, and challenges women to embrace their bodies and step into greater confidence through posing for elegant and professional photos as a gift to themselves and/or loved ones.

Ah, so Dr. Jenn will lay on you some lame mumbo-jumbo straight out of a graduate seminar and then some boob will take compromising photographs of you. Gee, to whom do we write the check?

For all of Dr. Jenn’s blathering about her regard for empowering females, we’re willing to bet a hefty chunk of change that she’s offering these pathetic seminars because she’s married to some fellow who has a real job and who brings home the bacon. That is to say, we’d wager that she’s managed to live the perfect pre-feminist bourgeois life that women’s studies professors are supposed to disdain. She can talk about cucumbers and K-Y all she wants, but hubby still flips the bill.

(Note: The crack young staff normally “weblog” over at “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” where they are currently making a desperate attempt to shove Dr. Jenn back inside a box.)

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