This Week In Iran

August 22 is a special day if you’re an Islamofascist. That’s the day, according to Mohamathugistan tradition, when the “Hidden Imam” will reveal himself, apparently by killing everyone in the vicinity of his arrival. As near as I can gather, everyone dies but after that the Hidden Imam or ‘Mahdi’ really starts to get mean with the infidels, who by that time include just about everyone who is not a bloody-handed Muslim Jihadist complete with beard, Mullah-approved version of the Quran, blade for beheading and of course a fine selection of de riguer explosive accessories for that night on the town killing civilians on the way to the Mosque. Santa’s older psychopathic brother, maybe.

Naturally, such a season is a fine time for the current President of Iran, Mahmoud Ahmatotalnutjob. Like a member of the Crips anticipating his first murder of a storekeeper as part of his initiation into the gang, Ahmatotalnutjob looked forward to the 22nd and talked up the day as a big event.

But on Tuesday the 22nd, not much happened. The Iran ambassador to the UN declared Iran was “ready for serious negotiations“, and the Jihadapalooza tour continued to rave reviews from the blade-flashing clergy – and I mean stark raving mad reviews, but nothing that seemed to meet the hype. So, pretending to be French, my special investigative unit went to Teheran to interview the President of Iran (Ritually Pure Since 1979) Wednesday morning to find out what happened. The following is a transcript from that interview.

After greetings, which included pro forma praise for Allah, sharp objects, and Sharia’s allowance for dark chocolate, President Ahmatotalnutjob put down his New York Times, got to the point and asked us the purpose of our interview.

Us: As you know sir, “Blame America” magazine is examining the current Middle East condition from the perspective that everything which is going wrong, is the responsibility of President George W. Bush

President Ahmatotalnutjob: Well, to be fair, we must understand from the beginning that Bush is no more than a puppet of his Zionist masters.

Us: And this affects the resolution how?

A: Now that Israel has been destroyed, Bush is no longer of consequence.

Us: Israel was destroyed? When did this happen?

A: This past Tuesday. It was glorious, to see all those Jews destroyed.

Us: (look at each other in stunned silence) But … we saw no such destruction on Tuesday.

A: Of course not. Allah knew you would not understand his glory in such an undertaking, so he allowed only the faithful to see and comprehend. The rest of the world sees the ghost of Israel.

Us: Okaaaay. So, what does this mean for the region, that Israel is gone?

A: As I said, the puppet Bush is now powerless, having lost his masters.

Us: What about Karl Rove and Rush Limbaugh?

A: Aiiiiiiiiiiiiigh!!! Do not speak the names of such infernal monsters in my presence!

(we pause as Ahmatotalnutjob burrows through his desk until he finds a burka-clad teddy bear wearing what appears to be a tiny suicide-bomb vest. Ahmatotalnutjob murmurs to the bear while rocking back and forth for a time, then settles down, replaces the bear in a desk drawer and faces us with renewed calm)

A: I am sorry, I should have specified that I meant his Jew Zionist masters. His Washington Zionist masters, we must wait to deal with later.

Us: What other effects does the eradication of Israel mean? Will Iran stop trying to make a nuclear weapon, for instance?

A: (blinks innocently) But we are not trying to make a nuclear weapon! We are simply advancing Science for the greater good, and for service to Allah.

By the way, if certain cities residing in countries with whom my government is displeased were, say, to vaporize in a green glow, that would be merely an unfortunate coincidence, and not at all the work of Iran. I’m just saying …

Us: (Look again at each other) Well then, what is Iran’s position with regard to France? You understand our curiosity, of course.

A: Certainly we in Iran will never forget that it was France which gave a home to the Ayatollah Khomeini before he returned to expel the hated Shah and began the blessed revolution to establish a home for the 12th Imam. Also, we remember that it was France who had the courage to say ‘no’ to George Bush at the United Nations.

Us: Why then have so many Muslims in France rioted against the government?

A: Because you have not yet advanced to the point where you accept the truth of Sharia.

Us: By the way, since Israel is gone, even if we in the West cannot see it, what is to become of the land?

A: It belongs to the Palestinians, of course. And we in Iran will be happy to direct the proper dispensation of the land, when it is ready.

Us: Ready?

A: Of course! The place has been infested with nasty filthy Jews for more than half a century. It will take a long time just to get rid of the smell.

Us: Pardon, but that sounds just a bit anti-Semitic.

A: Not at all! If we were discussing someone’s opinion of Arabs and someone were to use such words to describe Arabs, especially Muslims, I could see how it would be very wrong, but this is talking about Jews. Surely we can all agree that Jews are icky, nasty, poo-poo animals?

Us: Riiiiiiiiiiiiight. So, why will Iran be in charge of dispensing the land?

A: It is obvious we are the proper people for such a task, is it not? Besides, the rest of Islam will be busy.

Us: Doing?

A: We are waging a Jihad, of course. Some – like Iran – must lead, and some – other nations – must accept orders.

Us: And France?

A: Don’t worry, we will get to you.

Us: And America?

A: Death to America. It’s not just a catchy slogan, you know. Besides, Insh’Allah they are working to destroy themselves.

Us: Really?

A: Oh yes. They keep putting out leaders like Clinton and Carter.

Us: What about Bush?

A: I admit, he scared us at first. Determined, idealistic, and not fooled by propaganda, it’s a pity he chose to stand against us. But look, even his own party thinks he is a war mongerer. His allies ran away as soon as the task became difficult, and when he leaves office I do not see anyone who will follow his course. This leaves everything wide open for us.

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  1. OddsAreGood August 27, 2006
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  5. Herman August 28, 2006