U Conspiracy

As you are undoubtedly aware, dear reader, conspiracy theories abound in the post-9/11 world. In fact, some even believe that the positive reception of the new 9/11 film by conspiracy-loving Oliver Stone is itself a conspiracy. And, of course, according to polling, six out of every five Arabs believe that the American and/or Israeli government is behind manifold terrorist attacks.

For some reason, no one ever blames, say, Norway for this stuff. Why couldn’t an evil cabal of insidious Norwegians be the cause of worldwide terrorism? Admittedly, it’s not very likely, but isn’t the notion that the world’s ills are all the CIA’s machinations force us to come to some odd conclusions? After all, how could that rather inept organization prove so resourceful?

Naturally, sundry terrorist conspiracy theories have resonated in the American academy–that bastion of intellectuals devoted to proffering some of the most unhinged opinions in recent memory. Thanks to the popularity of Edward Said–may peace be upon Him–darn near every Middle Eastern Studies professor firmly believes that the USA and Israel are the root of all evil. Under such circumstances, is it really a stretch to conclude that they are responsible for 9/11?

In fact, all of this academic prattling about 9/11 conspiracy theories has led us to a conspiracy theory of our own. Of course, our pet notion isn’t terribly likely to be true; but neither are any conspiracy theories, for the good reason that they presuppose people are sufficiently intelligent and cunning to conspire in the first place.

So, what’s our lamebrain theory? We’re glad you asked.

If you ask us, a secret collection of American university professors is responsible for 9/11. In clandestine faculty meetings, sundry tenured radicals conjured up the idea of attacking numerous symbols of American power. After all, what would seem like more appropriate objects of attack to fans of Louis Althusser? (Other than rationality, of course.)

The insidious targeting of these symbols had an obvious appeal to these left-wing professors. It would allow them to pump out more vacuous sub-academic drivel about the evils of America, and otherwise enliven the sorry state of postmodern discourse in the universities.

In short, it would provide a treasure trove of material for the Noam Chomskys and Ward Churchills of the world. Soon academic radicals could present such landmark lucubrations as “Monster, Terrorist, Fag” from the chi-chi journal Social Text.

Okay, so that’s the theory. And, we think, it’s every bit as plausible as the ones bandied about by oddball PhDs hoping for Andy Warhol’s 15 minutes of fame. So, exactly when does the University of Wisconsin hire us?

(Note: The crack young staff normally “weblog” over at “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” where they are currently contemplating the impossibility of a transcendental signifier.)

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  1. Kevin July 30, 2006
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  3. Synova July 30, 2006
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  10. Kell July 31, 2006