Imperial Dipstick

Here’s a fun game for you: We’ll provide an interesting quotation, and you can guess who wrote it. Lots of laughs, eh? Well, here we go; get a load of the following passage:

For nearly a decade now, bin Laden has demonstrated patience, brilliant planning, managerial expertise, sound strategic and tactical sense, admirable character traits, eloquence, and focused, limited war aims. He has never, to my knowledge, behaved or spoken in a way that could be described as “irrational in the extreme.”

Okay, now–who do you think penned such a paragraph? A leader of Hamas? Tariq Ali? Tariq Aziz? Juan Cole? Your mother-in-law?

Good guesses, those. But they’re all wrong. Rather, the progenitor of this striking quotation is none other than Michael Scheuer, the dimwitted, crew-cutted former CIA man and author of Imperial Hubris (from which this quotation is culled).

Sounds bad? Well, it gets worse: The CIA previously gave Mr. Scheuer the important task of hunting down bin Laden; he was, in fact, the chief of the CIA’s bin Laden unit. Instead of catching his man, it appears as if Mr. Scheuer got some sort of teenybopper crush on the king of al Qaeda, and thus offered the odious sentiment reproduced above. It’s sick.

Now, don’t get us wrong: Mr. Scheuer may be right about a few of his assessments. Osama bin Laden could very well have great knowledge of strategy. But “admirable character traits”? What kind of moral imbecile would say this? Answer: Michael Scheuer.

Thankfully, this irksome cretin is no longer employed by Uncle Sam. We can rest assured that someone more competent is on the hunt for Osama. Like, say, a pinecone.

But, sadly, Mr. Scheuer has not disappeared from view, as should an embarrassing civil servant with loony, conspiratorial views about Israel and a creepy crush on Public Enemy No. 1. No, sir: Shockingly, he’s become a “terrorism expert” with CBS News. Presumably, when darlin’ Katie wants the wrong answer to a question pertaining to foreign policy, she can turn to this dipstick.

Nor is that all. Mr. Scheuer is also routinely tapped as an “expert” on matters of national security. Sundry reporters, hunting for a juicy quote for their articles, turn to this boob.

For instance, in the April 24 number of The New York Times, Mr. Scheuer informs us that bin Laden “is at the top of his game.” Why? Well, Mr. Scheuer is only too happy to tell you: “We cut off Hamas after we had a fair election.”

Ah, yes: It’s all our fault. It’s always our fault. Why doesn’t this objectionable dolt simply head to the caves of Pakistan and join forces with his great hero? Perhaps the incompetent Mr. Scheuer will compel bin Laden to make a few mistakes.

(Note: The crack young staff normally “weblog” over at “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” where they are currently hunting after the “root causes” of Harold Pinter’s idiocy.)

Bumper Snickers
Token resistance


  1. Michael F. Scheuer April 30, 2006
  2. John Kerry April 30, 2006
  3. Marc April 30, 2006
  4. ed April 30, 2006
  5. Michael Scheuer April 30, 2006
  6. Proud Kaffir April 30, 2006
  7. Proud Kaffir April 30, 2006
  8. CurlyLarryMoe April 30, 2006
  9. michael scheuer April 30, 2006
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  13. solilsolate April 30, 2006
  14. Dancing Israeli May 1, 2006
  15. rightnumberone May 1, 2006
  16. michael scheuer May 1, 2006
  17. patrick May 1, 2006
  18. Sweetie May 1, 2006
  19. Proud Kaffir May 1, 2006