99.44% Lame

“Washcloth? We don’t need no stinking washcloth.” Thus begins the newest marketing blitzkrieg from the folks at Dial Soap. Our friends at Dial are pushing a new line of products aimed at the stronger sex, and they’ve inaugurated a campaign intended to attract attention.

Perhaps, dear reader, you have seen some of the television spots for “Dial For Men.” In them, a triumphant band of guys compel a garden-variety fellow finally to gain back a little of his self-respect. This man, the advert intimates, should stop blindly following the diktats of his wife. For once, he should show the ole’ ball-n-chain whose boss.

In sum, in the inimitable words of “Dial For Men’s” slogan, he should “Take Back the Shower.”

Are we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” the only ones who perceive that this isn’t exactly a grand sign of revitalized masculinity? We mean, come on: “Take Back the Shower”? How trifling can you get?

If you ask us–and, technically speaking, you did not–this slogan is mildly offensive. No, not in a Storm-Danish-Embassies-and-Call-for-the-Death-of-Israelis sort of way, but it’s irksome nonetheless.

Our feminist friends may note its suspicious similarity to their “Take Back the Night” rallies on umpteen college campuses. Whereas women–excuse us, womnyn–aim to put an end to rape, the folks at Dial want to end the fairer sex’s bathroom tyranny.

It’s kind of a sheepish version of “Take Back the Early Morning,” provided your biggest fear isn’t sexual assault but body wash. And, man, body wash can be a real bitch.

Perhaps we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” are the only ones who detect an arch quality to this advertising campaign. Our pals at Dial appear to be snickering at the very people they hope to attract to their products.

As has been reported in the press ad infinitum, there are numerous reasons to be concerned about the wellbeing of boys. Girls routinely outperform them at almost every level of academic endeavor. The ladies score higher in almost all tests of intellectual ability. And young women graduate college in much larger numbers.

Naturally, our feminist pals somehow believe this is proof that men must endure even more female affirmative action (i.e., preferential treatment) at their expense. They can’t wait till American males are a collective of illiterate, impoverished ne’er-do-wells.

But don’t worry, guys. You can always “Take Back the Shower.” That’ll show her.

(The crack young staff usually “weblog” over at “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” where they are currently reading Andrea Dworkin books and furiously scrubbing their posteriors.)

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  1. billy March 19, 2006
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