The Straight and Narrow

Long ago, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” noted that some homosexual rights activists particularly enjoy painting their political opponents as latent homosexuals. We don’t say this to prove any kind of larger point in America’s so-called culture wars, but we’ve merely noticed that it’s true.

And, if you ask us, it’s rather quizzical. Apparently, such activists can’t think of a more lowly insult for their enemies than calling them gay. You might have thought that this isn’t exactly a glaring example of gay pride.

Now, as we said before, we don’t mention this out of any kind of animosity. As far as we’re concerned, if you’re here and you’re queer, we’re used to it. That is even the case if you’re not technically “here” but somewhere else. Mighty nice of us, we think.

All the same, we don’t see the strategic benefit to be gained from ridiculing, say, Pat Robertson by claiming he’s a secret homosexual. We think it’s insulting to self-respecting homosexuals everywhere. Truth be told, we want this kind of nonsensical polemic to stop.

How, you might wonder, do we aim at putting a stop to it? Why, we’re delighted that you asked. The Official Schemes and Machinations Department here at “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” (which we call TOSMD for short) has been working on an idea for the better part of an hour, and we think it just might do the trick.

In today’s humble “post,” we hope to demonstrate the ridiculousness of labeling opponents of, say, same-sex marriage latent homosexuals. And we plan to do so by doing the exact reverse. That’s right: We’re going to offer a list of flaming homosexuals and mean-spiritedly claim that they’re secretly straighter than an un-bent arrow, that they’re collectively as un-queer as a one dollar bill.

Without much in the way of further ado, then, let the games begin:

Nathan Lane: If you ask us, this guy is beyond straight. We mean, come on: Anyone who tries to be so over-the-top flamboyant is clearly putting on a show. We bet that Mr. Lane surreptitiously enjoys female strippers and WWII documentaries.

Jodie Foster: Talk about a flagrant heterosexual! She is totally in the straight closet. Sure, she may be rumored to be a lesbian, but we ask you: Does she even remotely look like one? Just ask John Hinkley Jr., for crying out loud. And that guy’s as sane as they come.

Ricky Martin: So many people mix this up: He’s not gay, he’s Latino. And, yes, jerks, there’s a difference.

Melissa Etheridge: No self-respecting lesbian would write songs that are that bad. “Come to my window”? Oh, how sickeningly straight!

Sandra Bernhardt: Pretending that she’s a lesbian has been the greatest boon for this woman’s career that you can fathom. How else would a woman this eerily untalented be allowed to eke out a career as an entertainer?

Tom Cruise: Okay, you’ve got us here. He’s gay.

(Note: The crack young staff normally “weblog” over at “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” where they are currently listening to hours of Peter Allen tunes.)

Bonfire Of The Vanities #140 - Reminder
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