Metallica–Pseudo-Revolutionary Stooges?

If you’re anything like us, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” you are a big fan of the aesthetic discriminations of the Maoist International Movement (MIM). For those of you unaware of the lovable scamps in MIM, allow us to inform you that it’s a pleasant collective dead-set on turning the world into a murderous communist nightmare through the deranged doctrines of the late Mao Zedong. Sounds eminently sensible, doesn’t it?

When not agitating for a totalitarian dystopia, however, the delightful chaps in MIM enjoy penning a wide variety of film and music reviews. No, dear reader, we’re not kidding. And, as you might imagine, to the unorthodox non-Maoist, they’re simply hysterical. In fact, we think Chairman Mao might even find them a bit humorous.

On the movie review side, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” particularly savor MIM’s take on Robin William’s clunker Patch Adams. Apparently, in addition to being a pathetically saccharine film, this flick is also insufficiently Maoist. Boy, Hollywood has really gone downhill.

Our pals at MIM have also composed a number of interesting music reviews. For instance, they offer their thoughts on the 1991 self-titled opus of the heavy metal band Metallica.

Now, dear reader, we must let you know that we are by no means experts on heavy metal; to be entirely honest, we don’t really care for the stuff. All the same, we found MIM’s disquisition on Metallica highly entertaining.

Take, for example, this darling of a line:

Like much metal, Metallica’s tone is very angry, and very anti-authority, without much materialist analysis.

If you ask us, that’s quite right: Heavy metal music has always struck us as short on “materialist analysis.” You’re really going to have to turn to soft rock for that kind of thing. (Does anyone remember Richard Marx?)

To our friends at MIM, however, Metallica’s eschewing of dialectical exegesis is a symptom of a much weightier problem:

This disc points to the degeneracy of the Amerikan [sic] war mentality and the Church, but it provides no options, instead focusing on the continuous oppression of people by some unnamed socializing force. The heavy metal phenomenon serves the interest of the Amerikan [sic] superstructure.

We know what you are thinking, dear reader: Ouch! That must really sting the folks in Metallica. The capitalist toadies.

And MIM continues with its excoriation:

Music like Metallica’s allows people to be critical, yet never look for solutions. Would-be revolutionaries are told, through this music, not to do anything…. MIM realizes that it is necessary to criticize the current power structure, and expose it for the bloody regime that it is. We also realize that fundamental change will only come through revolution, guided by Maoist thought.

Again, we’re not experts in heavy metal, but we really have to say “Advantage Metallica” here. Frankly, we’d far prefer sullen suburban teens listen to heavy metal and decide to do nothing, if the alternative is to establish a murderous Maoist state.

At least millions of people aren’t killed when you do nothing.

(Note: The crack young staff “weblog” over at “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” where they are currently contemplating the importance of paradigm shifts in the music of Roxette.)

And they wonder why we don't trust them any more
Just how does a bathtub corner, anyway?


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