Make That a Venti, Sexy

Before we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” begin our first column here at the fancy Wizbang digs, we think a little appreciative throat-clearing is in order. We must heartily thank the folks at Wizbang for giving us use of their e-soapbox. This is especially the case since our humble “weblog” didn’t fare particularly well in the 2005 Weblog Awards. Although you can count all the “websites” we beat on no fingers, Kevin deigned to invite us to write for Wizbang anyway.

And we must particularly thank Kevin for giving us the resplendently popular day of Sunday for our e-lucubrations. Think of us, dear reader, as the Internet equivalent of that bow-tied chucklehead on that soporific “Sunday Morning” program on CBS. With any luck, this essay will get more “hits” than Robin Givens.

Without much in the way of further ado, then, let’s get down to brass tacks. What follows, dear reader, is a taste of that non-award-winning pseudo-humor that three or four people on Al Gore’s World-Wide Web have come to know or love.


As you may well expect, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” greatly enjoy offering romantic advice to our readership. We feel as if we have a solemn duty to aid our legions of fans, and ensure that they spend the rest of their lives in marital bliss with the special someone meant only for them. Or, failing that, we hope to get them laid.

To this end, dear reader, we present the following news clipping from The Weekly Telegraph, the ex-pat version of Britain’s famed–and even-keeled–Torygraph. We think that it’ll prove rather interesting.

Coffee “can perk up the female libido”

Coffee appears to increase female sex drive by stimulating parts of the brain that govern arousal, a study has found. Tests on rats showed that those given caffeine before mating were likelier to scurry back for more, the journal Pharmacology, Biochemistry and Behaviour reports.

We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” find this intriguing for a number of reasons. First and most obviously, we want to know who the heck on God’s green earth originally came up with the Randy Caffeinated Rats Theory that required numerous hours of laboratory testing. Last we checked, they still haven’t happened upon a cure for cancer.

And how much did they pay the lab technicians to inject these little creatures with Starbucks? We have a feeling that, however much it was, it wasn’t enough.

After all, it’s a pretty sad day when the rats are getting more than you are. Even the ones that haven’t had a mug of Taster’s Choice.

Now, far be it for us to dissuade you from taking your sex tips from Pharmacology, Biochemistry and Behavior magazine. To be honest, we can’t think of a better source of advice, save C. Everett Coop. (That guy really got the ladies.) But before you head off to the nearest espresso machine with a bucket-load of condoms and some Barry White CDs, we think you ought to reflect seriously on the article in question.

After all, the piece merely informs us that female rats get all hot and bothered from a cup of joe. No one said anything about higher forms of life, like pigs, Chihuahuas, or Lindsey Lohan. Unless you–undoubtedly like Michael Jackson–have a fetish for furry rodents, we wouldn’t spend all our hard-earned cash on lattes just yet.

Perhaps the geniuses behind the Randy Caffeinated Rat Theory could do some more tests, just to make sure that their results hold true for other creatures? They needn’t use human beings as subjects, we suppose. (Only the self-touted morality czars at the Body Shop would do that.) But why not choose something in between rats and full-fledged Homo sapiens?

How about Paris Hilton?

(Note: The crack young staff normally “weblog” over at “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” where they attract only the finest female rats.)

Blogging Kevins
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