Welcome to the second issue of “Dear VK,” an advice column for people who want advice without all of the namby-pamby hand-holding that all of those Doctor-types dispense. This week’s column deals with three topics that everyone in the blogosphere holds dear: work, big boobs and sex. (Ok, that’s really just two topics, but I love getting away with saying “boobs” here on Wizbang!)
Now that I’ve got your attention, let’s see what the mailbag has this week!
I’m an executive assistant at a major corporation. I support six high-level executives. Five are decent folks but the sixth is an asshole – charming but totally two-faced. She procrastinates on her projects then dumps piles of work – which she needs immediately – on my desk at, like, four-thirty on a Friday afternoon. She used to have her own private assistant but due to budget cuts (and decreased production on her part) now has to share. She wants her own assistant again, and is attempting to set me up for failure so that she can then use my “inadequacy” as a case to get what she wants. I always get the better of her (by completing the work flawlessly and in record time. Still, I’m getting sick of the way she’s treating me. Plus, it’s stressful. I love my job, but this chick is the pits. Do you have any suggestions for how to deal with someone like this?
Nobody’s Whipping Girl
First, I want you to take a deep breath and tell yourself: “I can’t control the actions of assholes.” Now, repeat it several times. Oh, I probably should’ve warned you to do that silently, but my guess is that Ms. Maniacal isn’t paying attention to what you’re saying anyway. Feel better? Probably not, but it’s still a good thing to remember.
Another thing to remember: We all have a tendency to assume that others are intentionally trying to psis us off when, in fact, sometimes that’s just not the case. Now, it’s possible that Ms. Maniacal is trying to make herself look good at your expense, but it’s also possible she’s just incredibly unorganized and thoughtless. (That would certainly explain her decreased production, huh?)
With that in mind, I suggest you do something daring and bold: talk to her. Yep, that’s right. Talk to her. Now, I don’t mean threatening to sabotage her by screwing up her work if she doesn’t have more respect for your time and talents. Let’s call that Plan B.
Before resorting to that, I want you to try Plan A. Talking with her like someone you work with, and not just for. Ask if there’s a convenient time to meet with her and discuss your mutual projects. When you get together, explain how much you enjoy working for her (i.e., lie) and that you hope she’s satisfied with your work. Then ask her advice about juggling priorities. This will make her feel important but will also make her think you respect her — and that’s the real key to getting treated with respect in return.
What you want to know is how she’d like you to handle the projects she brings you thirty minutes before the end of business. So ask if she wants you to get as much done as possible before five o’clock, with the risk they won’t get completed, or would she prefer you to wait and start them first thing on Monday. This subtly lets her know you may not always be agreeable to bailing her ass out at the last minute, and conveys that the end of the business day is the end of your business day, too. If the real cause for her last-minute work is disorganization, a reminder like this will most likely do the trick without an open declaration of war.
If that doesn’t take care of it, well, you’ve warned her. Time for Plan B… with a twist designed to cover your ass. When she drops a project on your desk at 4:30 on Friday, fire off an email along the lines of “I just got Project X and will start working on it.” This documents the fact she’s waiting until the last moment — that the problem is her, not you. You can bet that if she starts angling for a second assistant and says you just aren’t adequate, her higher-ups are going to be curious why you aren’t up to snuff. With those emails, you’ll be prepared to show them you’re perfectly capable of doing the job during a 40-hour work week if Ms. Maniacal’s last-minute projects on Fridays weren’t requiring you to work overtime. Then sit back and smirk as the budget-minded upper-management gives Ms. Maniacal the good, swift kick in the pants that she needs.
I’m 28 years old, blond and in great shape. Friends tell me I’m pretty enough to be a model, but I’m too short. I do everything I can to take care of my body — I work out, eat right, and I’ve switched to spray tan instead of damaging my skin. I think I look good, and guys seem to agree.
My problem is this: my boobs are uneven and it’s really embarrassing. The left one is a C-cup, which obviously is fine. But the right one is smaller, closer to a B-cup for some reason. This isn’t all that noticeable when I’m wearing a bra and fully dressed, but every time I disrobe in front of a guy (Hey, I’m single after all!) I’m certain that he notices the difference. How do I fix this?
Stay on your back. Problem solved.
I have a bit of a dilemma. I am a staffer for a fairly successful blog, but I post under a pseudonym. I was updating my resume recently, and wondered if I should list my blogging.
On the one hand, I put a lot of time and effort into the site, and am quite proud of my work. On the other, I’ve previously worked to keep my blogging and real-life lives separate, and I’ve done a pretty good job at it. I like that separation, and have absolutely no intention of dispensing with it without a damned good reason.
Thank you for your time and consideration,
I Am Not Kevin
Dear Mr. X,
Putting your blogging experience on your resume invites prospective employers to check out your blog — and everything you’ve ever written on it — and to use that information when deciding whether to hire you. Even if they do hire you, they might continue to read your blog and that can influence their opinion of you as an employee. If you’ve never written anything remotely offensive, controversial or immature, you’ve got nothing to worry about. Of course, if that were the case your blog would not be successful, would it?
If you want to keep your blogging and your work lives separate, then do so… including on your resume.
I hope this question isn’t too graphic for your column, but I don’t know where else to turn. I’m a married guy, with two kids and a wife I adore in all respects… except for our sex life.
When we were dating, and even when we first got married, my wife was a sex machine. Morning, noon or night, she was always up for it willing to try new things in bed. Shortly after our youngest child was born, she started losing interest. She doesn’t wear sexy lingerie for me anymore, doesn’t want to try anything “kinky” and sex (when I get it) is perfunctory at best. I can’t remember the last time she actually took the initiative and put the moves on me. As for oral sex… Hell, I barely remember it. I’ve told her that I need more action, but she gets angry with me whenever I bring the subject up. She says I treat her like there’s nothing more to her than breasts and genitals, and that she just can’t get turned on when she feels like an object.
So here’s the problem: I’m getting tired of not getting any. I hate the thought of cheating on her, but sex is very important to me and she doesn’t seem to care. I’ve been thinking about finding someone to just hook up with for my physical needs while remaining a good husband in all other respects. What do you think?
Tired of Rosie
Your wife has already told you everything you need to know to be getting more action in bed with her. She’s said she doesn’t feel like you’re interested in anything about her besides her sex-related body parts. When she says she feels like an “object,” it means she feels like you don’t care about her beyond her functions in bed. Even you referred to her as a “sex-machine” — as if the best thing about her is how she serviced you. I’m not saying that you don’t have my sympathy. On the contrary, I’m you feel less desired, less appreciated, maybe even less confident. That’s what your wife is saying that she feels, too — she’s just using other words.
You pointed out that your sex life hasn’t always been so mechanical. So what — besides your wife’s interest — has changed? Sure, having kids often puts a temporary damper on those fires of passion, but you seem to be overlooking the obvious answer here. Here’s what I get out of your letter: “When we were first together, my wife didn’t complain that I treated her like an object. She put out all the time back then. Now she complains that I only care about sex, and I’m not getting laid anymore.”
See the pattern? No? Ok, here it is: your wife’s not interested in sex with you because she feels you aren’t genuinely interested in anything else about her besides sex.
If you want to solve this problem, you’ve got to find a long-term solution or you’ll be right back to Rosie as soon as your wife suspects you’re only going through the motions to get more out of her in the sack. So do what she’s (not so subtly) asking for: discover and appreciate things about hre that aren’t related to your sexual gratification. In other words, help her feel loved. Find a new non-sexual interest that you two can cultivate together. Try taking a cooking class or learning a new instrument, or even how to play Texas Hold-‘Em…just make sure it’s something both of you will enjoy. Sharing a new interest will give you a new sense of unity as well as some quality time away from the kids, and it’ll ensure that you’re interacting with your wife in ways that aren’t all about your physical needs.
Don’t delude yourself into thinking this is a magical recipe: that if you go to this pottery class today, your wife will be willing to play Pizza Delivery Boy and Hungry Temptress tomorrow. See, if you do think that way then your wife is right after all: you’re only pretending to be interested in her as a whole person, when the truth is you’re only interested in getting more sex.
As much as you may hate to hear it, turning this situation around means looking at how you contributed to it. From what you’ve told me, your wife is fully capable of being hot for you. Your job is simply to become more like the person you were back then: someone who made her feel fascinating and cared about. As you seem to recall, when she felt loved and appreciated, she made sure you felt that way, too.
Either way, cheating is not the solution. Your wife will eventually find out and your kids will hate you for it. Besides, are you really so eager to be a disappointment to two women?
Advising You To Stay Away From Unbalanced Blondes,
(Note: Venomous Kate can be found at Electric Venom where she says “boobs” whenever she feels like it. If you’d like to send in a question for next week’s “Dear VK” column, send it to her by Tuesday.)