Why don't they just swallow their pride?

I’ve always been entertained by dumb criminal stories. While I’m a believer in Darwin’s theories, it doesn’t seem to apply to crooks — when they’re not making the same dumb mistakes over and over again, they’re making brand new dumb ones.

One of the classics has to be the last resort of the cornered drug dealer — swallowing the drugs. I don’t recall ever hearing about that ever working, but it doesn’t keep them from trying it.

It seems there are a very limited number of outcomes from the act. If the cops know you did it, they might make you throw it up immediately. At which point, the police won’t be very happy with you for making them go through that.

Or they might take you to a hospital, where the drugs are coming out in one of three ways. They might make you throw them up. They might give you a laxative, speeding up the natural processes. Or if they’re really worried, they’ll cut you open and take them out. Either way, the cops will still be annoyed with you for putting them through that much effort, and the taxpayers to the expense.

So let’s presume that the cops don’t notice, and instead take you to jail. You’ll probably be there long enough to… er… let the bags pass normally. The cops will be watching for that… evidence, and they’ll bust you at that point — much like this guy. And once again, the cops will be extremely miffed.

Or the bags can be broken down by stomach acids and rupture, dumping scads of drugs right into your system. That’s pretty much a death sentence. But if by some miracle you survive, the cops are gonna be angry with you for not telling them up front that you had swallowed the drugs.

I can kinda understand the panic reflex, the idea of “get rid of the drugs” instinct. But for heaven’s sake, it NEVER WORKS, and only makes it worse.

At least the folks who do that really are doing us all a service by making their situations worse. It’s small consolation.

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  1. joe October 31, 2005
  2. Old Soldier October 31, 2005
  3. jumbo October 31, 2005
  4. yeah it's real October 31, 2005
  5. Mike Friedman November 2, 2005