Channeling Democratic Underground

After Pat Robertson had his little bout with verbal diarrhea, I started thinking: WWDUD? (What Would Democratic Underground Do?) How could they turn this into some grand Rove/Chimpy McHitler/Halliburton conspiracy? And after skipping some medications, spinning around really, really fast a bunch of times, and slamming my head against a door frame exactly seven times, I think I have the answer.

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It’s Iraq all over again, but this time we’re doing it RIGHT. It’s all about the oil. The problem with Iraq is that the people can get to the wells and the pipelines, and can therefore strike great blows against the imperialists by blowing them up. The Venezuelan oil is mostly offshore, so it’d be easier to keep them away from it.

So the plan was simple: arrange for a couple of assassination plots against Chavez, the Dear Leader of the people. And when they didn’t work, let word of them leak out to him, so he can denounce the Great Satan Of The North. Let tensions continue to build until it gets so bad, we have “no choice” but to depose him and “manage” the country (mainly the oil) until “the people” can freely choose the US puppet we want to run the country.

Of course, Halliburton will be needed to come in and help rebuild things after the babykillers in the armed forces blow everything up.

And who will run the other parts of the oil business? Well, there’s a whole bunch of people who have been unemployed since Enron went down, and they know a lot about energy.

We’ll need a governor to run the country until we decide to let “the people” run themselves again. So, how about someone who already knows how to be a governor over a bunch of Spanish-speaking people? If Jeb doesn’t want it, to get him away from the Florida scandals and raise his public profile before ’08, then give it to Bill Richardson — we can make sure it keeps him too busy to run for president himself in -08, and it’ll get rid of one of the few Democrats making a stink about undocumented workers.

Hoo boy. After writing that, I need a shower.

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  1. joe August 26, 2005
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