Several people wrote me to point out this story about a Brentwood, New Hampshire man who got drunk one night with a buddy and awoke to discover that he’d been placed under arrest.
Well, sort of.
He’d only been partly placed in custody. While he was sleeping off the booze, his buddy (and I use the term loosely) had apparently worried that his friend might lose something important. So he took a padlock and closed it over the guy’s… um… “family jewels.”
It was all done in good sport, of course. He left the guy the key.
Which broke off in the lock.
The poor guy kept his… um… unique fashion accessory for two weeks. He took a hacksaw to the lock, but it didn’t work. (I suspect that he was too terrified to use sufficient force, and I can’t blame him.) So he finally called an ambulance (after getting himself thoroughly liquored up again — you’d think he’d have learned better). They took him to a hospital (presumably after they stopped giggling), and there doctors called for a locksmith (presumably after THEY stopped giggling). The locksmith (presumably… you know the rest) then removed the lock for the guy, liberating the family jewels.
The guy was apparently treated and released, with no lasting injury to anything but his pride.
There’s no word on the status of the padlock, or of the guy who put it on him, but I suspect by now both have seen better days.
If I ever needed yet another reason why I don’t drink, I think I just found it.
My physics teacher told me a story about a guy who smoked some pot and then proceeded to shove a long metal wire up his urethra. He had a little bit still sticking out the end and so he cut it off and decided to go garden for a while.
Yeah, I bet the doctors had fun with that one.
Hmmm.
That’s nothing. A friend of mine is a NJ Transit cop. He had to go to a clinic to take a statement from a guy who had a bottle of Lux dishwashing liquid stuck in his ass. For the third time.
Quote: “Honestly officer I have no idea how it got in there!”.
I’m glad I’m not a NJ Transit cop.
I need.. to mention that many people.. some I know. would pay an extreamly high price for such an experience.. granted with a combination lock over a key but the sensations.. well they do appeal to those who keep their pleasures locked up
granted with a combination lock over a key
Boy, is there prank potential THERE!
“Sorry, did I say the combination was 23-4-16? It’s 23-16-4! I think. Try that and let me know…”
A padlock!? What — they don’t make Chinese finger traps that small?
I’m glad I’m not a NJ Transit cop.
I’m glad I’m not the spokesman for Lux dishwashing liquid.
My buddy’s Mom is a nurse for ~20 years, and she has many-a-story about this subject. It’s not pretty when she ends such stories with… “..finally the fire department had to come in with these huge clamps to remove the lock”…