Wizbangnews Special Bulletin — history of genocide revisited

“Hoo boy, did we get THAT wrong” says renowned historian

By Jay Tea
Wizbang Contributing Editor
BOSTON (Wizbang News) – Award-winning historian Stephen Ambrose announced today he will be publishing a new book that completely rewrites the history of torture and genocide over the last thousand years.

“Genocide: Not So Bad After All” will hit the shelves this fall, just in time for the new college year.

Ambrose explains that he drew his inspiration from a most unlikely source.

“I heard what Senator Dick Durbin said, comparing the actions of the United States to those of the Nazis, the Soviets, the Khmer Rouge, and was outraged, as were a lot of other people. But when I started doing some research, I found that Senator Durbin was right after all.

“It turns out that a lot of what we’ve thought about those events were vastly exaggerated. Stalin, for example — he was annoyed with the Ukrainians, but there never really was an engineered famine that starved millions. The truth is that they were merely put on a restricted diet — they were only allowed to eat things such as Baked Tandouri Chicken Breast, Mustard-Dill Baked Fish, Lyonnaise Rice, and Fish Amandine, among others. The rest was just hype.

Ambrose went on. “The Nazis wanted to get the Jews out of Europe, but didn’t really have the guts to go through with it. The so-called ‘Holocaust’ was hype, pure and simple. The reputed “Death Camps” certainly weren’t fun, happening places, but they were nothing like history has previously reported.

“Bergen-Belsen? Most famous for keeping Jews awake for 24 hours or more at a time. Auschwitz? The commandant was a bondage freak — he’d tie up the prisoners in odd and sometimes uncomfortable fashions. Dachau? They’d make the Jews watch while guards would put on tutus and dance on Torahs. Buchenwald? A former meat-packing plant — the prisoners were stuffed in freezers in their underwear, while the temperature was reduced to about 65 degrees. Ravensbruck? They were forced to listen to Wagner at top volume.

“The worst was probably Treblinka, where they made the Jews sit and watch vile, anti-Semitic puppet shows.

“But the biggest scam were the crematoriums. These so-called ‘ovens’ were just rooms where they’d herd the Jews and make them stay inside while they turned up the heat until it reached 110 degrees. But the only people who got killed in there were those lynched by their fellow prisoners after they remarked ‘at least it’s a dry heat.’

“In the end, a lot of those who survived the concentration camps moved to places like Arizona. They found that they had gotten used to the heat, and were uncomfortable in normal European weather.”

According to Ambrose, after the war Stalin was incensed at how the Nazis had stolen his idea and improved so radically on it. He decided to take it even further in his efforts to reclaim his genius.

“Stalin saw how much mileage Hitler had gotten out of the whole ‘Concentration Camp’ myth, and took it one step further. He started with a single prison, where he held about 500 political prisoners, and built a whole fantasy chain of forced-labor camps across the Soviet Union out of it. To help spread the word, he put a whole staff of so-called ‘dissidents’ on the payroll and had them hype the dickens out of it. Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn put all seven of his kids through college on what Stalin paid him for ‘The Gulag Archipelago.'”

But sometimes the hype worked far better than expected.

“Pol Pot actually bought into the hype for a while, and did end up killing a few people before the Soviet Union sent him some advisors with the real story on Stalin and Hitler. He forced two million Cambodians to march out of the cities naked with panties over their heads, but convinced the world they had died in ‘killing fields.'”

Ambrose managed to trace the history of this practice back several hundred years.

“I discovered the key to this whole centuries-old scam in, of all places, a Tower Records. In the liner notes to the album ‘The Evil That Men Do,’ the band Iron Maiden mentioned that the classical torture device from where they drew their name was a myth. There never was a shell with spikes on the inside that people were stuffed into. The original Iron Maiden torture was to put people in rooms and play really loud music. It just never really caught on until the advent of recorded music, though — it was too expensive to hire real musicians, especially just to annoy prisoners.”

I thought we were past the "she was asking for it" BS...
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