Best Business names — the winners (finally)

Sorry about the delay, but when the entries for a contest end up over 100, it gets real easy to procrastinate about choosing a winner. Combine that with a couple huge meltdowns at work and at home, and I’ve been shamefully neglectful about closing out this week’s oddball midweek contest.

I had to bounce several truly funny entries because people didn’t read the rules. This was for business NAMES, not SLOGANS. That’s why “You Can’t Beat Wagner’s Meat” gets no special recognition.

Anyway, on to the winners:

The “I’m Going Straight To Hell” award is split between two winners: SamHell, for his plan to open a fried chicken stand in Corpus Christi called “Corpus Crispy,” and Kathleen’s friend from Nazareth, PA, who wants to go home and open a deli named “Cheeses Of Nazareth.”

The “By Any Other Name” award goes to several people who mentioned deceptively-named bars: Chrees mentioned “The Library,” Amber “My Office,” and Brian contributed “Group Therapy” and “The Office” (the latter apparently a strip club).

“The Geeks Shall Inherit The Earth” award is another one that gets divvied up among several winners. CrankyBeach plugged a restaurant called “Nuclear Fission Chips.” Capitano chimes in with a sandwich shop near a high-tech zone named “CTRL ALT DELI.” Just ask about the BSOD Plate Special…

And Duane mentioned a high-tech firm whose eatery was called “Juan’s and Z. Rose,” but he would have preferred “URLs.”

The “Perhaps We Didn’t Think This Through Enough Beforehand” award is split between two excellent winners. Jeremy mentioned the Italian electric company, Powergen Italia, who were briefly on the web as, before being laughed into 404-land. And Jim mentioned his cousin who moved to the US from Greece and opened a dental lab under his initials, not quite realizing that few people would want to trust their teeth to a company called DK Dental Labs. Just behind those two excellent entries was the S&M Body Shop, a auto repair place spotted by yetanotherjohn.

The Laurence Simon Sick And Twisted Bastard Award this week goes to Scott, who suggested “The Oedipus Retreat — a camp for troubled teens and their mothers.” Scott just barely edged out Laurence Simon, who wants to open a franchise for “Yassin’s Used Wheelchairs.”

The “Leave It To the Musicians To Be Just Plain Weird” award is yet another split decision. Atomita went for the surreal with a record store called “Magnolia Thunderpussy,” while wheels went for a more classical pun with “Gopher Baroque.”

The “You Want A Slice Of Me?” Award for best pizza place name was (no surprise here) another tie. Pietro gets the Old Country Award for Leaning Tower Of Pizza, but OregonMuse gets the Screw Modesty Award for “A Little Pizza Heaven.”

The “Innuendo Ain’t Italian For ‘Suppository'” Award was — you guessed it — another tie. Biker Babe plugged “Big Dick’s Halfway Inn”, inspiring McGehee to recall “Skinny Dick’s Halfway Inn.” Scott pointed out a liquor store called the “Liquor Box.” Tuning Spork plugged Sofa King, of the infamous “Our Prices Are Sofa King Low!” fame. But Bruce was the clear winner, with a door-accessory shop called “Knobs And Knockers.”

The “Subtlety Is Not Wasted On The Masses” award was — yeah, again — another split decision. This time, it was between Oscar Jr.’s demolition company, “Edifice Wrecks,” and the florist “Floral And Hardy”, spotted by CGHill.

And finally, DarkMage takes the sole solo prize for the “Bill Clinton Is A Satisfied Customer” award for the “Stiff Nipples Air Conditioning Company,” located somewhere in northern Virginia.

Thanks again for all the entries, my apologies for the incredible tardiness, and I’m already racking my battered brain for another contest for Tuesday. No promises, though — this is getting tougher every week.


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  1. Jeff April 10, 2005
  2. Red April 10, 2005
  3. julie April 10, 2005
  4. Chris April 10, 2005
  5. capitano April 10, 2005
  6. Big Bang Hunter April 10, 2005
  7. Winston April 10, 2005
  8. Kathleen April 10, 2005
  9. Nate April 10, 2005
  10. Teri April 10, 2005
  11. dchamil April 11, 2005
  12. Gekkobear April 11, 2005
  13. Pete April 11, 2005
  14. thfirstbrokenangel April 11, 2005
  15. Dwayne "the canoe Guy" April 11, 2005
  16. me July 6, 2006