John Cleese for Democratic National Chairman

One of the Democrats’ recurring themes is that the Republicans are using Machiavellian tactics. Apparently, they object to people like Karl Rove using Machiavelli’s works as a plan book.

But if the Republicans are using Machiavelli for inspiration, the Democrats seem to be using Monty Python.

I have this vision of President Bush going up to Capitol Hill to discuss his agenda.

“Excuse me, I’m here to discuss my policies for the next four years.”

“Don’t give me that, you snotty-faced heap of parrot droppings!”

“Shut your festering gob, you tit! Your type really makes me puke, you vacuous, coffee-nosed, maloderous, pervert!!!”

“Look, I CAME HERE FOR A POLITICAL DEBATE, I’m not going to just stand…”

“OH, oh I’m sorry, but this is abuse. Didn’t you see the ‘DU’ sign on the door?”

“Oh, I see, well, that explains it.”

“Ah yes, you want room 12A, Just along the corridor.”

“Oh, Thank you very much. Sorry.”

“Not at all.”

“Thank you.”

(Under his breath) “Stupid git!”

Bush exits, enters room 12A.

“Excuse me, is this where I go to argue for my agenda?”

“I told you once.”

“No you didn’t.”

“Yes, I did.”

“Did not.”

“Did too!”

“I most certainly did not. By the way, is this for this Congressional session, or did you want this for the next four years?”

“Oh, just the current session.”

“Ah, thank you. And I quite definitely did tell you.”

“You absolutely did not.”

“Did too!”

“Did not!”

“Did too!”

“Look, this is ridiculous. I came here for a good debate.”

“No, you came here for a debate.”

“A debate isn’t just contradiction.”

“It can be.”

“No, a debate is a connected series of statements intended to establish a proposition.”

“Not necessarily.”

“No, it isn’t!”

“Look, if we’re going to have a debate, I must take up a contrary position.”

“Yes, but that’s not just saying ‘No it isn’t.'”

“Yes, it is.”

“No, it isn’t!”

“Yes, it is!”

“Debate is an intellectual process. Contradiction is just the automatic gainsaying of any statement the other person makes.”

(short pause)

“No, it isn’t!”

“Yes, it is!”

“No, it’s not.”

“It most certainly can be!”

“Look, I came here to debate my agenda. That doesn’t mean that when I say ‘there’s a crisis with Social Security, and my plan will fix it,’ you don’t just say ‘no, there isn’t!’ When I say ‘we need to fight the war on terror in Iraq’, you can’t just say ‘no, we don’t!’ You have to come up with rebuttals and counterproposals!”

(brief pause)

“No, I don’t.”

“Yes, you do!”

(bell rings)

“I’m sorry, this Congressional session is over. Good day.”

“That was not the entire session.”

“I’m afraid it was.”

“No, it wasn’t.”

* * * * *

I’m sorry, I can’t continue. I’ve lost the humor here. The Democrats are playing this game of simple “whatever Bush is for, we’re against,” and refusing to put forth their own proposals. It’s a big joke.

But the joke is on us, the people. And I’m tired of laughing at our own expense.


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  1. Just Me February 22, 2005
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