Recently, I happened to meet a gentleman with a rather obviously Polish last name. I mentioned it, and he immediately told my his favorite Polish joke.
Why do so many Polish names in in -ski?
Because they can’t spell Toboggan!
I thought that was pretty good, so I told him MY favorite Polish joke. (See below the fold)
J.
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Years ago I worked in an iron fabrication yard with a fella from Gdansk named Joe Smugorzewski. At 6’4″ and about 280#, he was an imposing figure.
One day at lunch, he shared his favorite Polish joke with me…
Why are Polish shoes always so shiny?
From kicking the crap out of guys who tell Polish jokes.
Joe’s deadpan delivery made it very funny.
Jablonski was a rather dumb Polish farmboy, so when the 19 year old was alone with his girlfriend, Lola, behind the barn, he was rather inexperienced and didn’t quite know what to do. Lola told him to take his clothes off, while she undressed.
‘Now kiss me’, she instructed him. ‘Now I want you to touch me here,’ she said. Jablonski was a fast study and did what Lola said. ‘Now I want you to put your thing in here,’ she told him. ‘Oohh that feels good.’
‘Now pull it out,’ she said. That’s it, now put it back in. Pull it out, put it back in.’ Jablonski was doing exactly as she told him, as he had never done this before. She continued to instruct him on what to do, telling him to put it in, and to pull it out.
Finally, Jablonski was frustrated and told her, ‘Make up your mind, in or out. I’ve got another 5 acres to plow.’
I don’t get it. 🙁
umm, well…
he was soooo dumb, he didn’t know going in and out was part of, well, you know, procreating. He thought it should be one or the other, in OR out.
One Drummer – still don’t get it and that’s rare for me. Jokes don’t usually go over my head or under my feet but this one has done both – oh well, I know you tried.
Cindy
One Drummer: I get the one behind the barn; my response “I don’t get it” applied to J’s joke in the extended version….
Cindy
Poles and Russians have haved each other with a murderous passion since their lands were populated by Neanderthals.
Harry Houdini was once arrested in Moscow for speaking Polish. Yes, that’s right, speaking the Polish language was illegal in Russia for centuries, and could get you imprisoned or exiled.
Dagnabbit!
PIMF
haved=hated in previous post
So many chances for polish jokes! Being 1/2 polish I have heard them all from the “other side” of the family. my favorite is this:
Why are there no Polish Hit-Men?
They always burn their mouths on the exhaust pipes trying to blow up cars.
From the 80s:
A family in Gdansk receives some money from a relative, and decide to put it in the bank. So, they take it down to their local bank. But, before they do this, they ask the branch manager, “What happens if the branch fails?”
The branch manager says, “Don’t worry. All deposits in this bank are guaranteed by the parent bank in Warsaw”.
Yes, the family agrees, but these are troubled times. What if the bank in Warsaw fails? The manager says, “Don’t worry. All deposits in the Warsaw bank are guaranteed by the state bank in Moscow.”
Yes, the family agrees, but these are really troubled times. What if the state bank in Moscow fails? The manager says, “Don’t worry. All deposits in the Moscow bank are guaranteed by Mother Russia.”
Yes, but these are really, really troubled times. What if Mother Russia fails? The manager replies, “Wouldn’t it be worth it?”
This has always been my favorite: Did you hear about the Cessna that crashed in a Warsaw cemetary? So far they’ve recovered 150 bodies, and they’re still digging.
My mother’s only Polish joke:
What does a Polish bride get on her wedding night that is long and hard?
A new last name!
Polish naval destroyer defined:
Hula-Hoop with a nail in it.
So long as we’re going the Polish Joke route, did you hear about them having to tear down the new stadium in Warsaw due to poor design? No matter where you sat, you were behind a Pole…
My favorite one goes like this.
By a remarkable coincidence, Josef Stalin, Konrad Adenauer, and Wladyslaw Gomulka (post WWII nationalist leader of Poland) all died on the same day, and showed up together at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter announced, “Comrade Stalin, you are truly a legendary leader – as a gesture of respect, I’m authorized to grant you one wish.”
Stalin thinks briefly, then demands “Kill all the Germans!”
St. Peter is a bit taken aback, but a wish is a wish, so *poof* all the Germans are instantly slain.
Then St. Peter turns to Adenauer and says “Chancellor Adenauer, you too were a great leader, so I am also authorized to grant you one wish.”
Adenauer is obvious shaken by the sudden death of his entire country, so he blurts out “Kill all the Russians!”.
And just like that, *poof* all the Russians are dead.
Finally it’s Gomulka’s turn, so St. Peter asks this great leader what his wish will be:
“After what you’ve already done, just a cup of coffee, please.”
This is not nice.
How do you tell a bride at a Polish Wedding?
She is the one with the braids under her arms.
Q Why is it ok to have a Polish neighbour?
A Keeps the flies out of your garden!