While I was staying with my friend this last week, he mentioned that his ex-wife was getting married. My first response was, and I quote, “Jesus Christ, who the hell would want her?”
A little background is required here. My friend and I both suffer from the same affliction — we’re compulsive “nice guys” and often shape our actions to perpetuate that image. I never liked his first wife, and worked to keep them apart. I gave that up, however, when she blackballed me from their wedding, and I attempted to get along with her for his sake after that.
When he finally did go through with his divorce, he did his best to keep things civil and as free of hostility as he could, and he did a pretty good job of it. But I could see it was bugging him, so I did what any best friend would do: I appointed myself his Bearer Of Bitterness.
I expressed all the resentment and anger and contempt he wanted to, but didn’t feel he could in good conscience. In fact, he often spoke up in her defense to me, but it was mostly by rote — I had some compelling arguments.
She was incredibly narcissistic, lazy, hedonistic, short-tempered, and selfish in the extreme. Just a few examples:
1) She was fired from her teaching position because she just couldn’t get her ass up before 2 in the afternoon.
2) Another friend of mine had to have an orchiectomy (surgical removal of a testicle), and I went to her for advice — she had a degree in psychology. She was less interested in helping my friend, and more fascinated by it. She wanted me to set up a chance for her to meet him herself.
(I’ll admit I wasn’t very sensitive myself — when I took him to the hospital, I showed up with an Almond Joy and a Mounds, and greeted him after his surgery with a fake orchid to go with his prosthetic testicle — but that was done with affection, and as a close friend. She hadn’t met him.)
3) Once, I was bothered and went over to their place to walk and talk things out with my friend. She was leaving for work. When she returned home, she was appalled that we hadn’t even left yet (we spent about 3 hours talking there) and she threw her key ring straight into his face. I still don’t know how he kept those keys out of his eyes.
4) She was often violent on other occasions. Finally, my friend told her that from now on, he’d hit her back exactly as hard as she hit him. When he finally did clout her on the arm, she sprung into tears and was shocked that he would have the nerve to stand up to her.
5) She was actively living with another guy while they were still married, and nearly every time they spoke, she would bring up the idea of divorce. My friend had severe divorce-phobia — his parents had split when he was in junior high or so — but finally called her bluff and agreed with her, to her great shock. She was still stunned when he did all the paperwork and presented it to her.
His single greatest moment regarding her was post-divorce, when they both happened to be at a gathering. Two women were discussing him, and she was within earshot. One of the women mentioned that she was now bisexual.
“I thought you were a lesbian?”
“I was, until I met him.”
I wish to hell I could have seen the look on her face when she heard her ex-husband being described thus…
He’s remarried now, to a wonderful woman with some great kids (and one not-so-great one, but that’s another story). He still occasionally hears from his ex. The latest was that she was getting remarried, too.
I have to wonder, though — does she still has an ass big enough to land small aircraft?