Gregg Easterbrook (aka TMQ) has the scoop on the Halloween confluence of politics, football, and inanity…
(Nov. 2, 2004) — As everyone has heard all week, in every presidential election since 1936, if the Washington Redskins win their final home game before the Tuesday voting, the party in power keeps the White House; if the Redskins lose, the party out of power retakes the White House. In recent years, both political parties have become increasingly sophisticated about manipulating events — polls, turnout, media coverage, “surprise” scandals and etc. Why are we so naive as to think both parties did not attempt to manipulate the Packers-Redskins outcome? On an exclusive basis, Tuesday Morning Quarterback has learned this is exactly what happened!
First, the Republic National Committee arranged for Joe Gibbs to come out of retirement and take over the Redskins — talk about clever long-term planning. But the Democratic National Committee made secret unregulated donations to the Green Bay Packers’ salary cap, nullifying the Gibbs edge.
Prior to the game, the Redskins placed prized No. 1 draft pick Sean Taylor on the inactive list, owing to a driving arrest. Tuesday Morning Quarterback has learned that the Democratic National Committee hired a Taylor look-alike to drive around the Washington area, hoping to get arrested. Meanwhile the Republic National Committee hired a Brett Favre look-alike to wander through the Pentagon, sticking his head into meetings and saying, “I would have found the explosives.” This double was supposed to get arrested too, but instead, Pentagon workers mistook him for the real Favre and asked for autographs.
Next, the Republic National Committee secretly supplied extremely skimpy two-piece outfits to the Redskins’ cheerleaders, which normally insures victory for the home team. But the Democratic National Committee secretly arranged for a total eclipse of the full Moon, nullifying the advantage conferred by scantily attired cheer-babes. You don’t want to know how much soft money it takes to arrange a total eclipse of the full Moon!
Finally the game was played, and it all boiled down to this. Green Bay 20, Washington 14, Redskins facing third-and-8 on the Packers’ 43 with 2:43 remaining. If the Packers just play straight defense, a stop is likely. Instead, it’s a blitz: seven Green Bay gentlemen cross the line. TMQ has learned that the Republican National Committee used jamming devices to take over Green Bay’s headset system, and made this defensive call. Sure enough, as the Packers go max-blitz, it’s an easy touchdown pass to Clinton Portis, the Redskins will win, George W. Bush will be reelected! But wait, penalty against Washington, illegal shift: call not reviewable. TMQ has learned that the Democratic National Committee kidnapped the zebras and replaced them with party officials. Touchdown pass nullified, interception for the Packers on the next snap, Green Bay wins. If history holds, this makes John Kerry the next president. Except on an exclusive basis, TMQ has learned that Ralph Nader was observed in a trenchcoat on the sidelines.
Read the full Tuesday Morning Quarterback at NFL.com