A cautionary modern-day fairy tale

This morning, while digging around in my closet, I found another fairy tale from the land of Usania. Alas, this one was incomplete as well. What is it about the author of these that he/she/it couldn’t actually FINISH a story?

Once upon a time there lived a little man. This man had a name, but everyone called him the Resolutely Clueless Moron, or RCM for short.

RCM loved to talk. He talked and talked all the time, and was dearly in love with the sound of his own voice. He even wrote down everything he said in a little book, and showed it to everyone he could. “Look at my book!” he would shout. “See the wondrously clever and profound things I have said!”

Most people ignored RCM, because they found him annoying. But a few people would occasionally look at RCM’s book, out of a sense of pity.

But RCM’s book was not filled with his clever and profound thoughts. It was filled with pages cut out of other books and magazines. RCM had glued them into his own book, and then wrote “this is good!” or “this is bad!” (in crayon, of course) next to them. RCM’s book was largely made up of him praising or mocking others’ writings.

RCM had one other obsession. He lived next to the land of Usania, and it was ruled by King Walter. Now RCM hated King Walter, hated him with a passion. His heart seethed at the mere mention of King Walter, and denounced him at every opportunity. Why, he would even go so far as to turn conversations about anything else into politics just so he could denounce King Walter.

Now, one day Lord Forrest rose up to challenge King Walter for the throne. But he did not do this through force of arms. In the land of Usania, every four years the people voted on who would be their king. Two groups had grown to back their person for King. They were known as the Righteous Ones (King Walter’s backers) and the Dudes and Dudettes (Forrest’s supporters). King Walter was drawing near the end of his four-year reign, and was seeking the people’s approval to continue. Lord Forrest, of the High Council, was chosen by his party to face King Walter before the people.

Everyone, it seemed, wanted to discuss the merits of the two men. Some people got together and asked each other to discuss Lord Forrest’s worthiness for the throne. His past actions and statements were duly considered and weighed, to see what kind of king he would make.

RCM heard this conversation, and could not restrain himself. “But King Walter is stupid! He is an idiot! He is a liar and a cheat!”

The group turned to RCM. “Please, RCM, we are not discussing Walter right now. We are discussing Forrest. Would you kindly limit your comments to Forrest, and save your comments about Walter for when we discuss him?”

But there was no stopping RCM. “But Walter is a usurper who stole the throne! He is a bloodthirsty warmonger! He is greedy, and only interested in lining the pockets of himself and his rich friends!”

At this point one of the group picked up a large wooden clue-by-four and waved it at RCM. “RCM, this is your last warning. If you do not behave in a civilized fashion, and stop shouting your irrelevant, repetitive rants at us and writing your graffiti all over our walls, we will be forced to exile you from this room.”

It was at this point that the story ended. Someone had torn out the concluding pages. One can only hope that RCM took the advice of the man wielding the Clue Bat and started behaving himself, and there was no violence or banishing.

J.

A brilliant satire
John Howard Wins In Australia

14 Comments

  1. Paul October 9, 2004
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  3. Randy Charles Morin October 9, 2004
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  5. McGehee October 9, 2004
  6. Randy Charles Morin October 9, 2004
  7. Patrick Chester October 9, 2004
  8. Jay Tea October 9, 2004
  9. OneDrummer October 10, 2004
  10. Randy Charles Morin October 10, 2004
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  12. firstbrokenangel October 11, 2004
  13. Oleg October 12, 2004