John Kerry's Secret

The other day, I heard the umpteenth denial by John Kerry that he is a flip-flopper. He has not changed his position on Iraq. He hasn’t changed his position on supporting the troops. He hasn’t had tanning treatments. He hasn’t had Botox treatments. He does and doesn’t own a Chinese assault rifle. And so on and so on and so on.

Now, I’m normally loath to accuse someone as prominent as John Kerry of lying. He’s spent a very large chunk (quite possibly half his life) in public service. (Also known as “on the public’s payroll, not earning a living like the rest of us.”) Also, politicians very rarely publicly make out-and-out lies — it’s too easy these days to turn them around into sound bites that literally bite. They usually weasel and evade and convolute matters so they can technically tell the truth, without having to actually put falsehoods on the record. Sometimes finding them can be a quite entertaining game.

But in John Kerry’s case, it’s difficult to spot where the weaseling is. On the surface, he seems to contradict himself on a fairly regular basis. But after long consideration and several sleepless nights, I think I’ve discovered just how John Kerry manages to say all these seemingly contradictory things without actually lying.

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There’s more than one John Kerry.

Think about it: one John Kerry is a huge liberal, a vain, anti-war glory hound who casts vote after vote against the military, against the intelligence services, against national security. A second John Kerry speaks out in favor of removing Saddam Hussein, votes in favor of the war, goes hunting and shooting, and owns a Chinese assault weapon.

This explains it all. He’s always very careful to say “I didn’t say that” or “I didn’t do that.” Of course he didn’t; that was the OTHER John Kerry. As long as they’re very careful to not appear in public too close together, they can appeal to a wider audience and minimize alienating different constituencies. And as long as each of them can refrain from taking positions associated with their doppelganger, they can honestly say “I didn’t flip-flop.”

It also explains his penchant for marrying heiresses. It takes a hell of a rich woman to support TWO John Kerrys in the manner to which they have become accustomed.

The only flaw with this theory is that you’d think with two John Kerrys running around, at least ONE of them would have the time to show up and vote in the Senate more than once out of every ten votes…


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  1. Hunter September 30, 2004
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