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John Kerry's day of infamy

John Kerry's day of infamy

September 4, 2004 Satire 16 Comments

I apologize if this piece seems a bit incoherent, but I just woke up from a dreadful nightmare and had to write it out as fast as I could before the details faded.

President John Kerry was addressing a joint session of Congress. The date was December 8, 1941. I’ve done my best to recreate his speech below.

J.

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Mr. Vice President, Mr. Speaker, Members of the Senate, and of the House of Representatives;

Yesterday, December 7, 1941 – a date that will be seared – seared – into our nation’s memory – the United States was brutally attacked at Pearl Harbor on the island of Hawaii.

The proud members of our Army and Navy were struck by complete surprise. We do not yet have final numbers, but currently it is believed that over two thousand soldiers and sailors lost their lives. Further, several hundred aircraft and many ships – including at least five of our mightiest battleships – were sunk.

We are still gathering information about this cowardly attack, but we believe it was carried out by at least four and possibly as many as six aircraft carriers. We have tentatively identified two of the attackers as the Imperial Japanese Navy vessels Akagi and Soryu.

The American people may rest assured that this cowardly attack shall not go unpunished.

When the first word of the attack came in, I immediately began speaking with other world leaders. Telegrams were immediately sent out to Chancellor Hitler of Germany, Premier Stalin of the Soviet Union, Prime Minister Churchill of the United Kingdom, Marshal Petain of France, Leader Mussolini of Italy, and Prime Minister Tojo of Japan. I have asked them for their assistance in pursuing and bringing to justice these savage criminals.

And we have also taken action on the home front, as well. All military bases are now at full alert for further attacks. The officers in charge of our Hawaiian facilities have all been relieved of command pending a full and complete investigation. Some may even face courts martial for their conduct. And the Justice Department is issued warrants for the officers and crew of the Akagi and Soryu, as well as for “Aircraft Carriers John Does One through Four.” And the valiant men of the United States Coast Guard – whose duty is to enforce the law on the high seas – has been ordered to detain those vessels and their crews for trial. Their deeds will not go unpunished.

The investigative arms of your government are not resting, either. Only four nations currently possess aircraft carriers. I have asked the United States Navy to account for the locations of our vessels. While the Navy assures me that it is inconceivable that warships of the United States could have taken part in this great tragedy, they do acknowledge that one or possibly two of our own aircraft carriers may have been in the vicinity at the time of the attack, and were equipped to carry it out. I have also asked the same of Marshal Petain, Prime Minister Tojo, and Prime Minister Churchill, and await their responses.

There are some who would urge us to rush to judgment on this tragic day. They would have us declare war and strike out. Who among us cannot feel that rage? But the decision to go to war is never an easy one, and never one that should be made in haste. Yes, we have been hurt, and hurt badly. But America is strong. We are working tirelessly to recover and bury the dead, aid the injured, and repair the damage done to our proud forces. We are alert for any further attacks, and they will be met with the greatest resolve. But we shall not succumb to the siren’s call of vengeance. When – and only when – we have a full understanding of how this terribly tragedy befell us, and have indisputable evidence of who the perpetrators are, will we join together with other nations and bring an end to this scourge that has so gravely wounded us.

Thank you, God bless you, and God bless the United States of America.

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About The Author

Jay Tea

16 Comments

  1. david September 4, 2004

    Zowie. Good, good job, Jay.

  2. Harvey September 4, 2004

    Unfortunately, it’s too true to be funny.

  3. Jay Solo September 4, 2004

    Dude, you are brilliant.

  4. McGehee September 4, 2004

    And to think, if only we hadn’t been selling all our spitballs to the Brits, we might have been able to defend ourselves that day.

  5. Frank Martin September 4, 2004

    Funny, just the other day I was thinking about what “the candidate” would say at the announcement of the end of the war ( Sept 2nd – 1945).

  6. Jim September 4, 2004

    Brilliant!

  7. firstbrokenangel September 4, 2004

    That was great!
    ~C

  8. Bill Kriebel September 4, 2004

    After reading how the media are covering the TERRORIST attack in Russia, I began to wonder how the media of today would have covered the Pearl Harbor attack. Would they even have mentioned the fact that the planes were piloted by JAPANESE?

  9. -S- September 4, 2004

    Jay: your work here is brilliant!

    Kerry and the mysterious, un-defined, “private” “alliances.” Thank God he won’t be President, and wasn’t. And, yes, God has blessed America in that regard, among others.

  10. Roo September 4, 2004

    Kerry’s such a liberal that he would’ve said anything but “God bless…”

    Ummm where was the League of Nations?

  11. Jumbo September 4, 2004

    Great job. It’s a shame Kerry is deconstructing to the point he’s almost beyond parody.

  12. Jim Kouri September 4, 2004

    If Kerry were Prez during the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor, the editorial staff at the New York Times would praise Kerry for his restraint.

    I read today the NY Times coverage of the terrorist killing of children in Russia. Throughout their main article one thing continued to bug me: not once did they mention radical Islamists. Not once did they mention Arab terrorists. No wonder in the last poll of the National Association of Chiefs of Police 92% of the respondents said the news media (print, TV, radio) are NOT fair and balanced. I’m a VP for the Chiefs of Police Assn. and I helped with the poll and was not surprised that most police commanders believe the new media are full of baloney.

  13. Russell Cannon September 4, 2004

    I think Kerry’s speech would have been more nuanced. How’s this:

    In our quest to find and punish the perpetrators, we must dialog with our friends and foes around the world to ascertain how we might be partly responsible–how our own actions may have created a state of frustration and desperation on the part of the attackers. We must ask ourselves hard questions about our actions and, yes, our motives in the last few decades and search our souls for the inner terrorist in us all.

  14. Jay Tea September 4, 2004

    Russell, STAY THE HELL OUT OF MY DREAM!
    J.

    (Who is SO terrified to go to sleep tonight now… thanks heaps, Russell.)

  15. Boyd September 5, 2004

    Jay, if you’re having nightmares like this, and then waken to the urge to blog it…

    Get back on the meds. Really.

    But kudos on a great read. 🙂

  16. Branna September 6, 2004

    That is an excellant protrayal of the liberal mentality. You hit a homer with this one.

    Let’s let the democrats think that the GOP speakers were all puff. We know the core values of the most liberal in our party would not sell this country down the tubes, but indeed, from their own records, would defend America against harsh regimes.

    Who do the states call on to do the job right when they are in a fiscal mess or need to feel secure? I’ll give you a hint, it’s not the “NEW” democrats. Just ask Rudy, or Arnold about that.

    That’s why Bush will win.

    BUSH/CHENEY 2004!