It’s Friday, that means it’s time for the Wizbang Weekend Caption Contest™. Winners will be announced Sunday evening.
Update: Winners announced.
Weekend Caption Contest™
It’s Friday, that means it’s time for the Wizbang Weekend Caption Contest™. Winners will be announced Sunday evening.
Update: Winners announced.
“You’re the little bitch who killed Curly, aren’t you?”
“Say, Mr. Crystal, I loved you in ‘When Harry Met Sally.’ You don’t happen to know Ms. Ryan’s phone number and net worth, do you?”
J.
Mr. Crystal, I want you to know that when I was serving in Viet Nam, I defecated bigger than you… and, of course, it did NOT smell.”
J.
“Hey, Billy. You look mahhhhhvelous.”
“Thanks, John, but you look like Lurch.”
“Billy, I’ve been having this reocurring dream. Night after night the same thing, I’m standing at the Pearly Gates and Simon Peter is looking for my name in the Book of Life but he can’t find it. So he summons the keeper of the book and when he appears it’s George Bush, could you analyze that for me?”
“You there — you always draw decent enough numbers when you host the Oscars. Ever thought about running for Vice President?”
pull my finger.
Listen buddy, Whoopie and Williams are working for me already. How big a check does Theresa have to cut to get you onboard for the Radio City show? Damnit man, I’m a Jew too, you know!
I mean it, Crystal — there will be NO MORE sequels to “City Slickers” in a Kerry administration!
I think I have a better image for a contest this week, Kevin.
Stick a fork in “pull my finger”. It’s done.
And my nominations for caption are:
1) Casting for “My Giant II”
2) Miracle Max: Have fun stormin’ da castle.
Kerry: Think it’ll work?
Miracle Max: It would take a miracle.
3) Miracle Max: Whoo-hoo-hoo, look who knows so much. It just so happens that your campaign here is only MOSTLY dead. There’s a big difference between mostly dead and all dead. Mostly dead is slightly alive. With all dead, well, with all dead there’s usually only one thing you can do.
Kerry: What’s that?
Miracle Max: Go through Teresa’s clothes and look for loose change.
4) Kerry: Say hello to the Scream Extractor.
Billy: Uh… hello.
5) Billy: Put that thing back where it came from, or so help me.
6) Jess: Kerry is terrific.
Harry Burns: Yeah. But of course when I asked where he was when Kennedy was shot he said, “Ted Kennedy was shot?”
Jess: No.
7) Crystal: You realize of course that we could never be friends.
Kerry: Why not?
Crystal: What I’m saying is – and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form – is that actors and politicians can’t be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.
8) Crystal: There are two kinds of politicians: high maintenance and low maintenance.
Kerry: Which one am I?
Crystal: You’re the worst kind. You’re high maintenance but you think you’re low maintenance.
I’m shooting to sweep all 3.
“You now John you remind me of Norman.”
(Aaron took the ‘campaign is only mostly dead’ caption I was working on right out from under me. Of course I would’ve done the same given the opportunity.)
You know, I have a flower-shaped zipper pull that would go really well with that tie.
“You think you’re funny, little man? You’re not funny. I’m funny. I’m f**king hilarious. I get people rolling in the aisles whenever I speak. You don’t believe me, check out this line — gets ’em going every time.
“(Ahem.)
“Hello everyone, I’m John Kerry, the next President of the United States.
“Listen to them howl. You ain’t never made a room laugh like that.”
Hey listen, have you ever played a foreign leader?
Aaron, take my word for it. If I didn’t score a clean sweep for this contest, you don’t have a prayer.
J.
“C’mon John, you know that fake orgasm did wonders for Meg’s career, you should try it too, trust me.”
“Day ain’t over yet, funny man”
(works for a caption, works for Aaron)
“So let me get this straight, I forget the Mr. Ed and Gomer Pyle remakes, and you’re out the City Slickers sequels and you’re off the Academy awards.”
“Okay Billy you were marvelous with all that make-up on as Miracle Max, Now I have a serious proposition for you. I need a slightly more sober Teddy Kennedy to give the opening speach for the Democratic National Conventions. Are you up to the part?”
Did you know that you have toilet tissue stuck to your shoe?
You’ve got one minute to write that check or you’ll have to deal with my associates here. You got that!
“No, first I thought Robin Williams was funnier, right before I thought you were funnier.”
‘pull my finger’ is an inside joke just for jay tea and rodney.
“YOU get to write my Concession Speech!”
Look, Ensign, Charlie’s out there, now I told you to get on that 50!
No, seriously, shut up! Do you know who I am? Good, now as I was saying…I loved you as Jodie on Soap and I was wondering if you might like to reprise that role…you know…privately…a command performance as it were.
“Senator, I already told you I’m voting for Bush. Now, either go away or I’m gonna go Cheney on your ass right here in front of all these people.”
“‘Go Cheney on my ass’? ‘Go Cheney on my ass’? Who the f**k do you think you’re talking to!?”
Guy in background behind Bill Crystal: “Oh lord, he’s doing it again. Pssst! Hey Senator! That’s not a foreign leader, that’s Billy Crystal, the actor.”
Kerry: “Shut the @#$! up, I know who he is, but does he know who I am?”
Crystal: “Michael Dukakis in lifts?”
“Have you ever been skiing and then run into… what are those guys?”
“Secret Service men.”
“Yeah, and you hit them and ow, it smarts.”
“I hate it when that happens.”
“Don’t give me that ‘It was Marty Short’ crap, Jewboy. Do the Ed Grimley bit or you’ll be waiting tables in the Catskills again.”
Look, Billy, I told you it was over! WTF are you doing following me around like this? It’s over, capiche?!
You do know that I served in Vietnam, right?
You aren’t one of those crooked Republicans, are you? No? Okay, hey did you know I served in Vietnam?
You aren’t as funny as I am, because I once served in Vietnam unlike those crooked Republicans. Say, you aren’t a Nader supporter are you?
You better not vote for that crooked bastard who never served in Vietnam, vote for me – if you know what’s good for you, which I know you do because I served in Vietnam.
If you vote for me, I will make Robin Williams have an “unfortunate accident.” After all we are the party of “unfortunate accidents”, just ask Bill Clinton, Paul Wellstone (err, maybe not), or Ted Kennedy.
Look, I didn’t appreciate the heckling during my speech. What did you think this was? One of your celebrity roasts? Knock it off funny man.
“Well John I really don’t know the location of the clubs that were used to force Jack Ryan out of the Ill. Senate race, so give it up and stop asking.”
“No a check from you isn’t enough, dammit, I also want a check from all of Brit Hume’s other panelists too! Capiche?”
Kerry: William, LOVE your champagne’
“No…. but I need you, Theresa said get out the good Crystal.”
“(Who is this scary looking man looming over me and pointing at my genitals?)”
…and if you don’t get out of my face I’m gonna bury you like I’m gonna bury “The Shrub” in November! Maybe I’ll smother you with some of Theresa’s ketchup while I’m at it.
KERRY:
Repeat after me… “I would like… to partake… of your pecan pieeeeeee.”