I knew if I wrote something and tried to save it for the weekend, something would come up and I’d get to post it early.
Here’s hoping the WizKid comes out with, at worst, a cool scar to brag about when he’s older. I have a burn from when I was 13 months old that is a fantastic conversational piece.
Anyway…
Learning from the mistakes of others is a wonderful thing. In fact, that sentiment is behind what has to be one of the most quoted phrases in the world: George Santayana
Learning from the mistakes of others is a wonderful thing.
In my opinion, those who consistently lack the ability to learn from others’ mistakes have yet to earn the right to be considered intelligent lifeforms.
I won’t go into what that says about people who won’t even learn from their own mistakes.
If you’re female companion ever asks you if a certain garment she is trying on looks good do not answer. Its a loaded question fraught with danger.
I have found that the best response is a bemused smile, a shake of the head, a kiss on the forehead and an “I love you.”
That’s assuming, of course, that you’re at the “I love you” stage.
As for J.’s notes on the application of certain ointments, let me add this: When applying such ointment to your nether regions you may want to consider wearing some underwear. I once had an unfortunate incident involving a groin injury and a product called “Atomic Balm.”
Actually, never use Ben Gay at all when you are tired, as rubbing your eyes can be disasterous.
The Toilet Dream is worse than any nightmare; it’s your own brain turning on you and humiliating you. And I thought I was the only one who had it. Thanks, Jay, for letting me know I’m not alone!
Never ever ever ever take a new lady friend with you for a night out with the guys. I learned this at a very young age but I learned it the hard way. Your friends either get mad or they decide to hit on her after the beer fog sets in, and she really doesn’t want “to meet your friends” she wants to see what kind of idiot you can be.
To this I can add:
= Never put in your contacts after using Ben-Gay or other ointments. Even after washing your hands several times.
= Never lie on your back and jiggle your 1 year old son over your head after he has eaten. I mean even if he is giggling and really liking it.
= When calling for your wife to come help you after violating the previous rule, be sure to call out with your mouth kept tightly closed.
When changing your sons diaper, and his equipment assumes the “ready to fire” position, it is *ok* to duck, if your wife is standing behind you. Especially if she is offering helpful comments like “change him quick, before he wets again”. That did stop those “helpful comments”. And I regained consiousness not very long after that happened.
Do not attempt to remove the metal ring left on a bottle by the twist-off cap by plunging your Buck knife downward, hoping to catch the point of the knife between the bottle and the ring, while holding the bottle with your other hand.