It’s Friday, that means it time for the Wizbang Weekend Caption Contest™. Winners to be announced Sunday.
Update: Winners announced. Comments on this post are closed – discussion should move to the announcement post.
Weekend Caption Contest™
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Kevin
Kevin founded Wizbang in 2003. He still contributes occasionally and handles all the technical and design work for the site.
“… and this is when I’m getting raped by a guard with a broom handle. Although, in a pinch, a mop handle will do.”
Martha Stewart shocked the nation by using a chart to illustrate where she would be classified under the federal sentencing guidlines during her weekly show, “Martha Stewrt Living.”
“Rather than making a mark on the prison cell wall as the days pass, I suggest creating a brightly colored calendar in the prison printshop. For this calendar, I’ve included entertaining recreational activities for each day. Here, I plan on sculpting a gun out of a bar of soap — always a jailhouse favorite…”
“On June 19th, 2025, I will be returning to the air where I will show you how to cut doylies without using any sharp edges.”
The Inc. stands for Incarcerated! I’ve got some stock to sell right here. (love that jailhouse posterboard)
I’m hoping that the paint colors in my jail cell will match my huge vintage jadite collection.
These big stripes show how much Ken Lay …er, weaseled and that’s not a flyspeck — it’s how much I …er, finagled. Can I decorate Ken’s cell, too? Hnnn?
“By the ninth day of my sentence, I expect everyone in my cell block to be working fulltime on my escape tunnel, each worker bee wearing a cute little smock that I’ll make out of the skins of all the finks who testified against me.”
On todays show I will be showing you my fool-proof seven day guide to insider trading… and yes, it was devised after I sold my shares… It was all in the name of research, honest!
Marthe Stewart, ever the organizer, prepares for her correctional sojourn by developing her “I’m Your Bitch” monthly calendar. Fellow convicts will take daily turns for “Tea with Martha.”
Martha Stewart Stock Tips
…and this is the day doug screwed me over.
Martha Stewart Living in the Penitentiary
I’ve spent WAY too many years cultivating my apathy towards Martha Stewart to throw it away for the sake of a caption contest. I think I’ll give this week a bye.
That said, if I had my druthers, I’d vote for Lair’s. It’s got his quintessential vileness and brutality, with the Martha-specific “in a pinch” twist.
One final thought: maybe I’ve looked at too many fake nude photos of celebrities, but her head looks like it does NOT fit with her body in this shot. Just a little too big and a little too off-center.
J.
“Pull my pointer.”
This is no tragedy. It is an opportunity to teach some of society’s most underprivilaged people about good home keeping.
Several years ago, I made a negative comment about Martha at a cocktail party. Big mistake. Some of the women wanted to kill me. It was as if I spit in the hors d
Prior to sentencing Martha addresses her staff:
“…and this is the date I’ll return from prison, and let me tell you; scores will be settled.”
“…and on Friday I’m making a holiday favorite, that I hope you will agree is one of the best. Chocolate Cell Block Bars. Its a good thing.”
(I somewhat agree with J. on Martha, though not to the extent that I’d sit out entirely. She doesn’t evoke much response one way or the other for me. Laurence Simons is good and McGeehee’s got finger pulling covered.)
Showing no remorse, her steely resolve still in check despite her stunning defeat, Ms. Stewart stands at the front of her “war room” and briefs her new legal team on the idea she hopes will win over the judges who will decide her appeal: Gifts of tiny bags of expensive Swiss chocolates, each tasty treat fashioned into the shape of a tiny gavel and containing a stunning half-karat diamond at its center. Remarked the lion-hearted diva,
I only used that one because Jay Tea is sitting it out.
Man, I GOTTA get known for something besides fart jokes…
Kevin, I have a piece all ready for the next time you decide to let the inmates take a whack at running this asylum again.
J.
After a short stint in the big house Martha picks up her career pretty much where she left off with only a few minor hiccups. Such as, Be My Bitch Fridays.
Martha is extremely pleased with herself as she indicates the date when she’ll be sent to the place, that she thinks means, she’ll have season tickets to all the University of Michigan football games.
The years of botched plastic surgeries having taken their toll, it was only natural that Michael Jackson complete the transformation and fill in as Martha’s double during her incarceration .