WASHINGTON- Amidst growing pressure to declare a comprehensive plan for the war in Afghanistan, President Obama has made an unexpected decision: using a childhood toy to decide what to do with major policies.
The toy, a Magic 8 ball given to him when he was nine, is still usable, the President said in a press conference on Sunday night. "You see," President Obama explained, "you ask the ball a question and shake it like so." The President then shook the ball he had at his podium.
"Uh oh, it says ask again later," the President concluded.
In a press release, the White House detailed how the toy would be used, and how exactly the President came to his decision to use it.
The President has grown despondent to Republican leaders, the release states. Escaping for a break in his home town, the President happened upon a childhood gift that had brought him years of joy, and had helped decisions he made in the Senate. He brought it back to Washington.
The press release continues that, when asked a hard question "by a general or official," the President would defer the question to the ball. "It helps us two ways," Press Secretary Robert Gibbs stated on Monday. "First, we get the action that many pundits and politicians have been waiting for. Second, if a plan goes awry, we can blame the Magic 8 ball for making a bad decision.
"It's win-win," Gibbs added.
So far, in questions regarding the strategy in Afghanistan have produced mix results. According to Sec. of State Hillary Clinton, the President has asked the toy many hard hitting questions.
"Whenever the President asks about troop increases or how long to stay in the war, the ball response in some sort of gray area," Clinton reported. "President Obama asked the ball several times if he should listen to generals or go with his gut, but it responded twice "All signs point to Yes," and once "Concentrate and ask again."
"On the bright side, we are going some consistency with some questions," Clinton continued. "Whenever we ask 'Will republicans ever like us,' it always says "Outlook not so good.""
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Filed under:
Satire
Tags: Afghanistan, Humor, Satire
Comments (21)
The sad thing is this story... (Below threshold)1. Posted by retired military | November 13, 2009 6:22 PM | Score: 11 (11 votes cast)
The sad thing is this story has enough credibility to garner more support than the birth certificate story.
1. Posted by retired military | November 13, 2009 6:22 PM |
Score: 11 (11 votes cast)
Posted on November 13, 2009 18:22
2. Posted by RicardoVerde | November 13, 2009 6:30 PM | Score: 7 (7 votes cast)
Didn't Obama announce a new strategy for Afghanistan back in February or March? Are the events there somehow in keeping with his plan?
2. Posted by RicardoVerde | November 13, 2009 6:30 PM |
Score: 7 (7 votes cast)
Posted on November 13, 2009 18:30
3. Posted by GarandFan | November 13, 2009 6:49 PM | Score: 11 (11 votes cast)
This story makes as much sense as anything else that's come out of Washington.
Hey Barry! Ask it "Will I be a viable candidate in 2012".
3. Posted by GarandFan | November 13, 2009 6:49 PM |
Score: 11 (11 votes cast)
Posted on November 13, 2009 18:49
4. Posted by Matt | November 13, 2009 6:56 PM | Score: 14 (14 votes cast)
The only balls he has...
4. Posted by Matt | November 13, 2009 6:56 PM |
Score: 14 (14 votes cast)
Posted on November 13, 2009 18:56
5. Posted by iwogisdead | November 13, 2009 7:03 PM | Score: 11 (11 votes cast)
Responding to wide-spread criticism, Rev. Al Sharpton has charged that critics of President Obama's "Eight Ball Initiative" are racists.
"Just look at that magic 8-ball," Sharpton said. "It's black. Black!! Thaz why the so-called main stream media don't like it!! If that 8-ball be white, nobody would be saying nothing!!! The white ball is the cue-ball, put above all the other balls of any color. But you ever hear of a Magic Cue Ball? Cain't get no good advice from no Cue Ball!!"
5. Posted by iwogisdead | November 13, 2009 7:03 PM |
Score: 11 (11 votes cast)
Posted on November 13, 2009 19:03
6. Posted by nancy pelosi | November 13, 2009 7:07 PM | Score: 6 (6 votes cast)
Are you serious?
6. Posted by nancy pelosi | November 13, 2009 7:07 PM |
Score: 6 (6 votes cast)
Posted on November 13, 2009 19:07
7. Posted by Geoffrey Britain | November 13, 2009 7:07 PM | Score: 7 (7 votes cast)
As an adjunct to the Magic 8 ball, Michelle has suggested that a Ouija board could be helpful.
And to keep it scientific, in a kind of double-blind testing methodology, the Obama's children will handle the 'scientific' instruments while the Obama's provide the questions.
7. Posted by Geoffrey Britain | November 13, 2009 7:07 PM |
Score: 7 (7 votes cast)
Posted on November 13, 2009 19:07
8. Posted by Geoffrey Britain | November 13, 2009 7:11 PM | Score: 9 (9 votes cast)
"Didn't Obama announce a new strategy for Afghanistan back in February or March? Are the events there somehow in keeping with his plan?"
Yes, he did and when in March he did, he stressed how they had carefully considered input from all available sources. This is a new, new reassessment because, like the last one isn't working...
8. Posted by Geoffrey Britain | November 13, 2009 7:11 PM |
Score: 9 (9 votes cast)
Posted on November 13, 2009 19:11
9. Posted by Brett | November 13, 2009 8:31 PM | Score: 9 (9 votes cast)
"We've tried absolutely nothing and we are all out of ideas!"
- Ned Flander's beatnik parents.
9. Posted by Brett | November 13, 2009 8:31 PM |
Score: 9 (9 votes cast)
Posted on November 13, 2009 20:31
10. Posted by macofromoc | November 13, 2009 9:38 PM | Score: 11 (11 votes cast)
What Would Mao Do
10. Posted by macofromoc | November 13, 2009 9:38 PM |
Score: 11 (11 votes cast)
Posted on November 13, 2009 21:38
11. Posted by OregonMuse | November 14, 2009 12:27 AM | Score: 7 (7 votes cast)
Since when does it take a magic 8-ball to vote "present"?
11. Posted by OregonMuse | November 14, 2009 12:27 AM |
Score: 7 (7 votes cast)
Posted on November 14, 2009 00:27
12. Posted by Neo | November 14, 2009 2:07 AM | Score: 4 (4 votes cast)
Obama is proving that the Bush strategy for Afghanistan was "spot on."
12. Posted by Neo | November 14, 2009 2:07 AM |
Score: 4 (4 votes cast)
Posted on November 14, 2009 02:07
13. Posted by Jim Addison | November 14, 2009 2:48 AM | Score: 6 (6 votes cast)
Very funny, but the Magic 8-Ball analogy fails on the factual test.
M8B offers a series of generalized answers which appear in random order. This bears no resemblance whatever to Obama's Afghan quandary.
Obama's problem is that he can no longer offer a vague and general answer, boldly asserting broad goals and vowing valiantly to achieve them. He must soon approve a specific policy course and, in real life, any critical choice carries a risk of blowing up in your face. His advisers presented him with basically three alternatives: the General's request for 40K troops and other support, the Biden plan to get out and use drones and Special Forces to hit specific targets from deployment afar, and a "split the difference" plan to do half and half.
Obama's natural inclination would be to split the difference (vote "present") between the choices and hope for the best. However, the derision which the possibility was greeted made him blanch, so he demanded his advisers submit "more alternatives." He will keep demanding more until he gets one that approximates closely splitting all differences in every direction, and adopt it.
When it fails, he will then blame his advisers saying, "I took their best advice."
13. Posted by Jim Addison | November 14, 2009 2:48 AM |
Score: 6 (6 votes cast)
Posted on November 14, 2009 02:48
14. Posted by SillyPuddy | November 14, 2009 4:02 AM | Score: 3 (3 votes cast)
"This is a new, new reassessment because, like the last one isn't working..."
---
Kinda like the economy and the stimulus spending.
14. Posted by SillyPuddy | November 14, 2009 4:02 AM |
Score: 3 (3 votes cast)
Posted on November 14, 2009 04:02
15. Posted by SillyPuddy | November 14, 2009 4:04 AM | Score: 2 (2 votes cast)
Spot on Jim.
15. Posted by SillyPuddy | November 14, 2009 4:04 AM |
Score: 2 (2 votes cast)
Posted on November 14, 2009 04:04
16. Posted by CDR M | November 14, 2009 8:34 AM | Score: 3 (3 votes cast)
Perhaps we should all go buy one and send it to the Whitehouse so that he WILL make a decision. Of course, that will end up being racist and we'll all investigated by E. Holder and the gang.
16. Posted by CDR M | November 14, 2009 8:34 AM |
Score: 3 (3 votes cast)
Posted on November 14, 2009 08:34
17. Posted by Marie | November 14, 2009 12:54 PM | Score: 4 (4 votes cast)
Now that you mention it, I trust the Magic Eight Ball's judgement over Obama's judgement anyday.
17. Posted by Marie | November 14, 2009 12:54 PM |
Score: 4 (4 votes cast)
Posted on November 14, 2009 12:54
18. Posted by BluesHarper | November 14, 2009 5:19 PM | Score: 1 (1 votes cast)
#17
That would be funny if it weren't so true.
18. Posted by BluesHarper | November 14, 2009 5:19 PM |
Score: 1 (1 votes cast)
Posted on November 14, 2009 17:19
19. Posted by Jay Guevara | November 14, 2009 8:54 PM | Score: 1 (1 votes cast)
Hey, the Magic 8 Ball is black, so its decisions can't be criticized. Racists!
19. Posted by Jay Guevara | November 14, 2009 8:54 PM |
Score: 1 (1 votes cast)
Posted on November 14, 2009 20:54
20. Posted by Flu-Bird | November 15, 2009 11:11 AM | Score: 1 (1 votes cast)
So OBAMA is now using a magic 8 ball to make our national decision AND SOON HE WILL BE DECIDING WITH THE HORRORSCOPE
20. Posted by Flu-Bird | November 15, 2009 11:11 AM |
Score: 1 (1 votes cast)
Posted on November 15, 2009 11:11
21. Posted by 914 | November 15, 2009 8:28 PM | Score: 0 (0 votes cast)
Will Obama lose in 2012??
Magic 8 ball- "All signs point to "Yes".
21. Posted by 914 | November 15, 2009 8:28 PM |
Score: 0 (0 votes cast)
Posted on November 15, 2009 20:28